Resident Evil Cage Match!
by Tangora
Summary: The Resident Evil survivors are forced in participate in a fight to the death against ever Resident Evil monster known to man! Bloodshed and swearing are soon to follow. Hosted by Albert Wesker. RxR
1. Meet the Cast!

_I don't own anything in here. Not one bit._

Camera 1 pans down into a studio where we see Albert Wesker sitting comfortably behind a desk.

"Welcome to the show, I'm your host, Albert Wesker. Call me Albie, you better have a tombstone already marked." Wesker chuckles to himself slightly.

"As you may know, I'm almost always the host in these things and I have no idea why. Surprisingly, I have a feeling that this one won't have me horribly mutilated."

Wesker stops talking and there is a strange silence.

"Omniscent voice guy that's your cue!"

"Thanks Tom!" comes an overly enthusiastic voice that sounds like it's from the Price is Right. "My name's not Tom you fucker! It's Wesker!"

"Whoah there Wesker, have you been taking you're medication?"

"Who wants to know?"

"Whatever. Lets meet our contestants!"

A creepy jingle starts to play. "Air force veteran and former S.T.A.R.S member, lets get a warm round of appaulse for Chris Redfield!"

A huge room appears on screen with many cheering fans behind bullet proof glass. There also appears to be large gates all around the building, along with one metal gate labeled 'Entrance'. We see the door open for a second while a body is flung into the arena facefirst. As he gets up he say's "Wherethe hell am I? And why am I wearingmy original S.T.A.R.S outfit?" He doesn't get a chance to get up before the next contestant is flung in.

"Back from his trip to Spain! The amazing Leon Scott Kenedy!" Leon gets thrown in but immediately gets back on his feet. "My RPD uniform, weird."

"Delta Force veteran and don't ask me how, it's Jill Valentine!" Jill walks in carefully. Apparently she taught the people who were about to throw her a lesson. She too was in her original outfit.

"Motorcycle rider and Chris' little sister, Claire Redfield!" Claire wearing her outfit from code veronica walks out and helps Chris up. "Chris, what's going on?" she asked.

"I don't know. I was at a Walmart when these guys picked me up in a truck and gassed me."

"The lovely Rebecca Chambers!" Rebecca walks out wearing her S.T.A.R.S uniform. "Hey guys, what's going on?" she asks.

"Confict or victim, you decide. It's Billy Coen!" As Billy walks out he looks pretty messed up. He has a black eye and his shirt is torn. "Sup Becky." says he before passing out on the ground. Rebecca rushes over to help as the next name is called.

"Mr. Death himself, it's HUNK!" Hunk walks out in his uniform with his mask off. He looks like an average blonde person with a few blood marks on his face.

"Next up is the mysterious Ada Wong!" Ada walks in her red dress and says one thing, "Oh crap, not again." Leon comes up to her as the next contestant is called into the arena.

"Ladies love the accent, it's Carlos Oliveria!" Carlos walks out looking like he's been drugged. He strolls over to Claire and say's, "Hey baby, how 'bout I buy ya a bear, then we can come ove to my place to have sex?" Claire get's away from him and goes next to Hunk.

"You thought he died but oh are you mistaken! It's Steve Burnside!" Claire's eyes go wide as she sees him stumble out looking confused.

"And last but not least! The infamous old buddy of Leon's..." Leon takes this moment to say "Oh shit."

"...everyone welcome, Jack Krauser!" As he steps out in his all his beret wearing glory, the moment he sees Ada he jumps he attempts to strangle her. "You thought I didn't hear that big thing comment didn't you bitch!"

Before he could finish the job (or the others pry him off, which ever you prefer) A huge double sided Tv monitor comes down from the ceiling. On it is the infamous Albert Wesker. This of course comes to the effect of some people saying things like "No way" "I thought he died" "What's up" and "Why is he wearing shades inside?" As soon as the contestants look at him he starts speaking.

"Welcome to the cage match of doom. Here you will be forced to go through rounds of fighting off the monsters you all faced. It gets progressivly harder as things go so watch yourselves. Except for you Chris. I hope you get eaten. Hahahahaha!" At this Chris spits at the monitor. Unfortunatly for him, it lands on Jack.

"Now for the rules. Each round has a certain amount of monsters. Kill them on and you get a break. Fufill the extra criteria before you or they are killed, and you get wonderful bonuses. These bonuses are things like a combat knife, a handgun, blah blah blah."

"Of course I'm guessing you all die before round round 5, but hey who knows? Also, if I feel like it I'll throw in another contestant or two. At the end, if you get there, you must fight each other to the death! Oh and in the unlikly event that one of you survives, um you get a car. Now, on to round one!"

A cage opens up and out comes a...

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Sorry, you'll have to wait for chapter two for the actual fighting. This is just a precurser. Oh and leave a review. You get a treat! 


	2. Zombies! I didn't see that coming

_Thanks Sara or reviewing! On with the program!_

Camera 1 comes into the studio as we see Albert Wesker sitting behind his desk. "Welcome back. You're just in time to see Chris get brutally maimed!" He sounds a little too chipper to sound scary, but hey he's been wanting to see Chris die ever since the mansion incident.

As the camera closes in on the arena, we see a group of about ten zombies shamble out of their pen and into the arena. For the contestants this is horrible news on four different levels. One, Billy's knocked out for whatever reason. Two, Jack has mutated his arm for the sole purpose of killing Chris. Three, they don't have so much as a combat knife. And four, Carlos is drunk as all hell. "On to the mayhem!" say's our bloodthirsty host.

Jill takes the offensive by running forward and kicking a zombie in the crouch. Carlos' response "Ouch, even I felt that Jilly willy, ah lets go get wasted! Weee!"

"Wesker's response "Damn Jill that's cold." and Jill's comment after cracking said zombies skull, "My secret to applying pain is that every time I hit something, I think I'm hitting you Wesker." she then flips the bird to Wesker's booth and breaks a zombie's arm.

Rebecca is taking the defensive by trying to get Billy to wake up. Being as she didn't have her med pack with her, she was really just slapping him. "Wake up Billy or your going to die!" While she beats on Billy Hunk strolls over to her. "Hello, I'm Hunk of a special Umbrella tactics squad, I've been trained for situations just like this." He says it all in a deep calm voice.

"Really? You've been trained so that you know what to do in case you get trapped in a cage against vicious monsters with no help?" Asks Becky.

"Exactly, now I think I know how to wake up someone from an unconscious state." Hunk then lifts his boot up and lands it square in the center of Billy's groin. Billy immediately gets up and punches Becky in the face from his instincts.

Claire is just wondering how Steve is still alive. She accomplishes this by staring at him with her mouth wide open.

Meanwhile, Ada and Leon are, ahem, talking. Quietly. Alone. Out of camera range.

Chris decides to kill two birds with one stone. Seeing as how Jill has single handedly taken down three zombies, and that Krauser was chasing after him yelling "How you like them apples comrade!" while lunging with his giant arm, a plan formulates. He runs imbetween the zombies group and keeps running after he's cleared them. Then Krauser comes up and _obliterates _ever last zombie with one lunge.

This is enough to make Wesker stand up off his chair. He then silently whispers "Crap" to himself as he is unaware he is still on microphone. The Tv comes down on the people and, unfortunatly for Jack, his arm needs to regenerate energy so he can't kill Chris.

"Congrats you miserable worms. You've fufilled extra criteria number one: Kill five enimies in ten seconds. As a reward, you can chose between everyone getting a combat knife, or one handgun with fifteen shots. Please vot... hey wait. Where's Ada. Damn it Ada I knew you liked him but come on! The producer's telling me they were playing rock paper scissors and that's what I have to tell but, just because I'm evil, I won't tell you what they were really doing. You'll just have to guess. So vote mortals."

"I say combat knives" "Me too" "Yeah" "I love knives" "Crap"

"Alright, you get combat knives. By the way, did I mention that all your prizes fall from the ceiling?" Apparently he didn't as eleven knifes fall down upon them. Krauser catches two in one hand, while Hunk catches his without difficulty. Carlos tries to catch his on his tounge (thankfully, being drunk makes him fail at everything he does), whilst Rebecca's grazes her elbow causing a nasty cut, and Billy is still sitting down thus his comes very close to his groin. Jill's lands right in front of her, while Chris trying to show off attempts to grab his in midar leading to a fair amount of blood on the floor. Leon and Ada both catch their's at the same time. And the last one comes zooming straight at Steve, but luckily Claire pushes him out of the way.

"Alright, you guys get a one minute break, afterwards you'll be facing five Crimson Heads. I'd say good luck, but I really don't give a damn. Until next time, I'm Albert Wesker hoping that the produce of this show lets one of these guys die.

_

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_

_I can take requests if you like. If you want a prize to be something or a monster or boss, and most importantly, another character. If you want one that I left out, go ahead and ask I won't mind. I can gurantee I will respond. Don't forget to leave a review! The review button gets lonely if you don't push it._


	3. Kevin and the Crimsons

_Thanks to ubcs-wingzero39, Sara Wesker, Xmaster,Yu Yu Hakufan, dIvInE SeReNiTy, XxMade in HeavenxX, MyselfAndI, under and Wesker Incarnate. On with the mayhem!_

Camera 1 comes into the studio, where we see... Wesker? Where are you?

"I'm over here." Camera 2 spots Wesker beside an indoor pool and open bar. "I had the guys over at company S send this stuff over when I got bored. Let's see how the survivors are doing." Camera 1 returns to see the survivors talking amongst themselves. Claire is eagerly talking with Steve, Leon is hitting on Ada, Hunk and Jack are comparing knifing techniques for combat, Jill and Chris are catching up on where they've been, and Rebecca and Billy are chatting.

"So Billy, what happened to you?" Rebecca asked while applying pressure to her wound.

"I was teaching Tai Kwon Do when these agents came in and tried to pick me up. I used my amazing karate moves to dazzle them. I wouldn't have been caught but they took one of my students hostage. I had to surrender and while I did they beat me."

Rebecca shrugged, "No, what REALLY happened?"

"I... I fell off the Merry-Go-Round at Great America." he said sadly. "I didn't even get to finish the the ride." He starts sobbing on Becky's now confused shoulder.

Just as she begins to edge away, the Tv comes down. "Hello victims. This guy was walking out back trying to get into the studio for some reason. As such is the fate to whoever trys that, they are now part of the show! Maggots, meet your new friend!"

The door that brought in the original contestants opens and out falls a man in the same uniform that Leon's in. "We asked his name before we brought him in and it turns out he's called Kevin Ryman."

He get's up and asks aloud "Why the hell am I here!" Leon walks over and starts explaining. After he's done Kevin says "So you're Leon. I found you're resume in the RPD headquarters."

"Really, what did you think?" Leon looks really eager.

"I kind of sucked..."

"Guess what victims! A group of crimson heads are heading your way! If one of you comes out unscathed you win a unupgraded Handcannon!" Leon eyes go wide. Whether this happened because someone hated his resume or the fact that he's actually used a Handcannon before is unclear as the five Crimson Heads come in.

"While the mortals try and survive, here's what I think of the Crimson Heads."

Albert Wesker starts talking about his days in the lab with Dr. Birkin while the contestants try and survive. Rebecca and Billy ran for their lives while Wesker talks about how Birkin tried to feed them.

"He threw in one of the dying researchers arms to attract the little guy. Then he started feeding him some of Marcus' leeches. The weirdo deserved it."

Leon, Hunk, Ada, and Jack were laughing it up.

"Can you believe how much trouble their having? Hey Chris, stop complaining! I had to take out an entire army of running, weapon totting Ganados!" Chris is trying to slice up the two Crimsons on him, but it's kind of hard to do that when your hand is severely cut.

"You know, as much as I like seeing these guys getting pwned, hold on..." Hunk took this second to do a necksnapper on a Crimson that got too close, "...don't you think we should help?" Ada and Jack cast nervous glances. "That Handcannon would be pretty sweet. " Jack then took his two knives and hurled them into the faces of two Crimsons killing them instantly. He looked to see who was getting most maimed to find out who needed help. It looked like Steve was dragging an unconscious Carlos (who had a knife in his thigh) away from the last two Crimsons. "We have a winner."

Chris who already had two unattractive bite marks was running full tilt from the two chasing him screaming "Jill help!" Jill came in and stopped the two redheads from proceeding. "I think it's time to show you what fighting Nemesis with this thing has tought me." Chris ran over to Claire who was chatting with Kevin about Leon. "He does seem kind of girly, but he is pretty good a distracting a Mr. X."

"Yeah but where does he get off saying he survived Raccoon City? I had to go though Hell to escape, and I went through the same police station he was at. If anything, the government should have hired me."

"You guys talking about Leon?" just then the Tv monitor came down.

"Wow. You guys survived the crimson heads without getting hurt? I'm impressed."

Apparently while they were sneering about Leon, Jill and Krauser had killed the last two Crimsons. "Okay, here's your Handcannon. It's loaded with three bullets. Have fun on your thirty second break. Yes Chris, that is shorter than a minute." Just then a large magnum flew down from the ceiling, bashing Steve on the head and skidding near Leon feet. Chris was cursing at Wesker's critique on his I.Q.

"Well since I am the only one whos ever used it before..." He then picked it up nonchalantly and wiped the blood on the handle off with his shirt. Steve could be heard moaning in the backround in pain. Barely anyone had a chance to get anything done when the next wave of evil came down upon them.

"Auughhhhhhhhhh! It's the fucking elephant!" Kevin was indeed right. There was Titan the elephant in all his T-virus glory.

"Auughhhhhhhhhh! I killed you with that giant rail cannon you bastard!" Jill was pointing in sheer terror for there was Nemesis riding atop of Titan.

" Auughhhhhhhhhh! It's Iron Maidens! How the hell did you find those!" Leon screamed like a little girl at the sight of the breathing disorderly trio.

"Is my vision bad, or are those two Tryant-103 models?" Hunk asked calmly to an awestruck Claire.

"Damn I wish we didn't have to end the show now. But even I can wait when I know I know I'm going to win my bet. I got to go. I have an autobiography to screw up and a talk show to get to.Later Mortals." Wesker than got up and whistled a song as he left his mini bar/ indoor pool.

_Hehehe, don't worry, Hunters are coming soon so don't worry. Oh, here's a relevant question for you thanks to MyselfAndI. Should I split the group into teams or only have about four people in the cage at once? I'm open for suggestions. For now, see ya! And don't forget to hit that little review button. He doesn't get mad when you push his buttons._


	4. More chaos than Raccoon City

_Thank you for all who reviewed chapter three, Sara A. Wesker, (Check her work out), under, XxMade in HeavenxX, Yu Yu Hakufan, and super dark link. Now with free toy, it's chapter four..._

Camera 2 comes into Wesker's vacation area only to find the bartender cleaning cups. The cameraman goes up to him and says a few things we can't here. The bartender points off camera and the screen switches to Camera 1 again. Wesker is behind the desk but has his face pressed against the window overlooking the cage.

"Yeah I'm Wesker, and I'm about to see everyone I hate get killed horribly. Let's watch. Oh, and get me some popcorn."

Inside the arena, there is panic. Steve and Claire are staying far away from the Iron Maidens (the Bandersnatches tought them a lesson about extendable arms),so they were reletively useless. So it was up to the others to fight off the horrendous monstrosities. Chris was trying to fight off the two Mr. X's alone. "Come on Krauser, I'm sorry about the whole spitting incident!" Apparently, he wasn't doing well.

"No, don't worry about me Chris, I'm fine on my own." Krauser still had his knife and Steve's, as of now he was viciously slicing Titan's legs.

"Give me the fucking Handcannon you mascara wearing retard!"

"Big talk coming from a drinking, broke ass, gambler!"

Kevin and Leon were locked in a struggle for the Handcannon, and both had solid reasons why they wanted it.

"I had to fight the Titan!"

"I had to fight those Iron Maidens!"

"Well I had to fight Mr. X!"

"So did I!"

Jill was showing off some of the craziest moves she had at her disposal while they bickered. She already ran up the side of the Titan and was going head-to-head against her Nemesis. "Time to show you what I learned after Raccoon City!" She flipped her knife into her right hand and closed her eyes. "Starrrrss..." Roughly translated "To easy baby!" It walked up to smash her brain in when she flipped right over it's head knifing it everywhere. "Merkin stlye right there!"

"Damn, where did she learn all those moves?" Wesker stood, mouth a gap, as she butchered the Nemesis. "Oh, crap I forgot to tell them the bonus objective! Ah, who cares, there going die anyway." An important looking person walks on set with clipboard. "What do you mean I have to? My contract, right..."

"Yo, death row, if you manage to have at least one Handcannon bullet at the end of the match you get something special. Now hurry up and die already, I'm out of popcorn." Hunk ,who was currently limboing the Iron Maidens spikes, Krauser, Ada, Claire, and Steve were the only ones who saw the Tv monitor and it's message.

"Hey look Leon, Hunk's making out with Ada!" Kevin pointed to where Ada was talking with a crew member outside the cage, and Leon predictably looked. BAM! Leon got to learn just how heavy the Handcannon really is, the hard way. "Time to finish this." Kevin walked forward a bit and angled the gun just right for a potshot and... "Boom! Headshot!" Kevin shot right through the three Iron Maidens, causing them to do their whole, 'If I eat one more human my stomach is gonna explode' act.

"Heads up Chris!" Chris, being himself, actually put his head up. He could have sworn he when deaf when the bullet whizzed right by his ear. "Now time to go elephant hunting," He got the maagnum raised to the Things body, but he was't paying attention to it when he was fragging the other guys. The giant's trunk swooped down and lifted him right off his feet.

"Kevin, I'll save you!" Ada ran to the rescue... blur effect and all! She did a high jump onto the monster's back, where Jill was still pwning Nemesis. "How you like me now you lipless freak! You couldn't get a girlfriend with that face, so you decided to chase after the first skirt you see, didn't you! Didn't you!"

While she did her thing, Ada prepared to finish off the Titan, once, and for all! She stabbed her combat knife right into the eye of the beast, and I guess that was it's weak spot because it dropped Kevin onto the ground. Luckily, he landed safely on Hunk.

Nemesis being completely traumatized by the torture that Jill put it through, fell off Titan and into the ground humming softly to itself. The fact that it could hum freaked out Steve and Claire, who were now pressed up against the wall in front of the monster. "What do we do Claire? If we try and o over it, it might wake up."

"Just ignore it and stay quiet. Hey, where's Rebecca and Billy?" Soon Jack steps up and lifts up the sleeping beauty with his claw thing and walks him away.

Meanwhile, Ada struggled furiously to stay latched on to the dying Titan. In it's last attempt to ruin someone's life, it grabbed Ada with it's trunk and threw her hard into the cage wall. She landed somewhere off camera where we hear Becky's voice say, "Billy stop touching her!" Followed by an audible smack. Billy stumbles on camera for a second and we see that his shirt is gone and he has a cut o his chest. Before anyone can say anything, the lovable host comes on the Tv.

"Did he just call me lovable? I am telling you that if the pay wasn't good, I would be gone. So congrats victims, I see that we have a casulilty. Well, while the cleanup crew is coming in to take care of the the carcasses, let me tell you what... oh shit!" Wesker is cut off as we see bullets streaming past his head and one nip him in the shoulder. Wesker looks to the side of the Tv at his attacker. We hear whoever's shooting say in a clearly fake deep voice, "Let my people gooo..." To this Wesker gets up, pulls back his sleeve and steps off camera looking really pissed. "I got to hand it to ya, you got cojones." Several crunching noises along with someone saying, "That doesn't bend that far!" are heard.

Soon Wesker steps back on camera. "Sorry about that, are the bodys gone?" Apparently while he was beating some unlucky punk, the cleanup crew already got rid of Titan's, Nemmy's, the Tyrants, the Iron Maidens, and Ada's body.

"So, you've won three things now! Hunk's mask," Hunk's mask floats down from the ceiling slowly. When it gets in reach, Hunk plucks it from the air and puts it on his head saying "It's been too long baby,"

"A bottle of wine," one comes crashing down right by Chris, scaring him half to death and waking an unconscious Leon. "Where's my Handcannon?"

"A last, and least, a new player! What? No don't take him through the door just throw him in, I mean, who cares?" Wesker seems to be talking to someone off camera, so the group just chills.

While they do that, Carlos is just beginning to stir, muttering something about bombs in his chest when... BAM! Poor, poor, Carlos, he never stands a chance. A new guy just fell in through the roof. My guess is Wesker wasn't kidding. As he gets up and off of Carlos' body, he yells up to the opening in the roof. "Hey, what about my Chicago Typewriter! It cost me ten bucks to get that thing you know!" A voice yells back to him, "Sorry, no weapons unless you earn them."

As he turns around to see the group of survivers, he rushes over to Jill. "Hey Jill, my name's Seth, Seth Canako. I was watching this show happening from home, when I thought, 'That's not right, I have to save them!' So I set off with my trusty typewriter to come save you guys. Pretty brave huh?" He had a normal teenage sound in his voice, but his appearance is what made him stand out.

By now, all the survivers have gotten a good look at him (except Carlos). He looked a little over thirteen, with gold hair over gold eyes that any normal human being would question were real. He had on a pair of black paints with a black T-Shirt under a black button down-shirt that is buttoned up. He also had on a pair of black dress shoes.

Out of the shadows, Billy and Rebecca come out looking pretty good. Becky's shirt's on backwards, and Billy has a slap mark across his face, but other than that, they were good. Billy noticed Rebecca looking a little _too _hardat this young man. He gave her a little nudge in which she was brought back to reality.

"Okay, while you guys get acquainted, I'll be using you're two minute break to get hammered. Oh, and you're getting put into teams now because your group is too big. Later!" Nobody realized Wesker was still on the monitor once the new comer dropped by. Soon a Woman in suit steps out with a clipboard and starts reading off the teams.

"Steve, Kevin, Leon, and Claire, you're team Birkin." The group is ushered out of the cage into a tiny cell outside. "Jill, Rebecca, Chris, and Seth, you're team S.T.A.R.S." They too are escorted out. "Hunk, Carlos, Jack, and Billy are team Mercs." They are sent out of the cage quite strangely. Hunk seems to know the escort well and is chatting with them through his mask, Carlos is forced to be dragged out of the a cage as he is a bit drowsy after being used as an emergency cushion, no one goes near Jack, and Billy just gets taken into the cell quietly. "That's it for the teams. Join us after the break where we'll hopefully see some more fatalitys. Did I say that right Wesker?" It then switches to camera 2 where we find Wesker doing shots and eating burger before fading to black.

_Brought to you in part by: Wesker Incarnate, for his two Tyrants idea. Yu Yu Hakufan, for Seth is a guest character made by him. MyselfAndI (screen name, not me) for the teams idea. And XxMade in HeavenxX for giving me the courage to kill off Ada. The review button is now with 50 fewer calories and thank you for reading! _


	5. Wesker's woes

_For all who reviewed chapter 4, I thank you: Sara Wesker (if you didn't look before, look now), under, Yu Yu Hakufan (AKA Seth), Xmaster, and Cpt.ShaneSchofield. Now in packs of 4, the RE cage match..._

Break

* * *

The camera comes into a lavish looking house to find someone wearing a S.T.A.R.S outfit sitting in a comfy chair.

"Hi, I'm Joseph Frost. Recently I've been informed by an anonymous tip that I have a short while to live. Me not wanting to die desperately pleaded that there was some way of saving myself. Unfortunately, they told me over the phone that I'm a dead duck. So here I am, doing a commercial for life insurance because, well, I wanted to freak people out. Think about it, I did a life insurance commercial, then I die, the comedy writes itself. What's my line? Umbrella brand insurance, cause you never know." Joseph makes a goofy smile and a annoying jingle starts playing. Soon a voice comes on and repeats the same words Joseph just said.

* * *

Camera 2 comes in on Wesker apparently betting with the bartender. He only realizes the show has started when someone throws a rock at his back. He will be missed. 

"Welcome, I'm your host Albert Wesker, we ready to start the next fight, but we need a team. Let me think. The Mercs have Jack, the Birkin team has Leon, and the Stars team has Jill. Well being as how the Stars team has Chris too, I pick them."

As they are escorted into the cage, Rebecca hits Chris in the face.

Once inside, the monitor comes down to greet them. "Okay, being as how we spent no less than a thousand dollars setting up the last fight, this one is barebones cheap. You fight Alexia Ashford," In strolls little miss "I can shoot burning ichor."

"And a few Hunters we found clogging up our septic tank." three brown Hunters jump in screeching loudly. Somewhere off to the side of the Tv monitor we hear someone yell "I knew it!" as the fight comences. "By the way, if you don't get burned, you get the gold haired mortals gun."

"Hunters! Chris, protect me!" Rebecca runs behind Chris. Chris looks back at her stunned. "Didn't you have to fight living leech men?"

"Yes, but Hunters are scary!" she whines to him to kill them.

"No!"

"Why?" The Hunters are getting closer to them. Jill and Seth are backing away from them, who are currently lost in there own little world.

"What about what you just did?"

"What did I do Chris?"

"You slapped me in the face!"

The Hunters are getting closer.

Soon, Seth runs to the side of the cage to where the other teams are. "Krauser, give me one of your knives!"

"Here you go." Krauser threw him one of the knives he "forgot" to give back to Steve or Claire.

"Great. Jill, let me take care of the Hunters." Off went Seth, in his foolish attempt to kill three Hunters with a combat knife. Lets watch.

"Get off me! And what's that smell?" One of the brown Hunters was currently latched on top of Seth, trying to remove his throat from the rest of his body.

"Jil. Help me! Please!"

Jill, not having the I.Q of a banana slug, thought up a great plan on how to take out the Hunter without losing her lungs. She ran over to Alexia (who was currently filing her nails) and kicked her in the shins.

"Ow! I'll hang your pelt on my bedroom mantle you bitch!" The chase was on.

Wesker did a quick little over view about the situation over an intercom. "Jill's getting her ass deep fried by that ichor, Chris seems to be using Rebecca as a a human shield ("How do you like it?"), seems I may be rubbing off on him. And the idiot with the Typewriter is trying to get the Hunter off by kicking it's nads. Well, looks like this'll be over soon. Someone get me a beer."

While Wesker was drinking, somewhere a crash was heard. "What the...? Shit!" Seems like the missing Hunter had found it's way into Wesker's little vacation spot. It was then that Wesker learned that a Hunter's speed is a lttile bit faster when it's jumping. Soon Wesker found himself fighting off a Hunter in the pool. During the intense fight, the pool slowly changed color from blue, to brown. Then a mixture of brown and yellow. And eventually, brown, yellow, and red. Wesker came out of the pool, soaking wet. A nearby sound guy commented, "You look really _pissed, _Wesker," and he snickered a little. He will be missed.

After taking care of business, Wesker climbed personally into the cage, Hunter in tow, and threw it right at Alexia before climbing back out. In a few short seconds, all hell broke loose. Alexia who had cornered Jill was about to finish her off when she got smacked upside the head with the dead Hunter. The chemicals in the Hunter after the water fight and the burning ichor mixed together and caused a cataclysmic explosion. Alexia, flew into the cage wall and then fell back onto the ground. Unfortunately, she landed on top of the broken glass shards from the wine bottle they won earlier. She flept up and started flinging flaming ichor everywhere. One shot landed right on the Hunter preparing to kill Rebecca, causing it to flling forward and die. While it flung forward, it hit Becky and Chris, causing them to fall down on the ground into a certain, _unflattering_ position. Lets just say it caused Billy to press himself against his teams cage wall in shock.

During this strange chain of events, the Hunter that was harrassing Seth was to distracted to notice Seth reel back and stab his knife right into it's head. All that was left was Alexia. While the survivers slowly edged towards her, they didn't seem to notice what she was doing. She was slowly making her way to the cage door. Apparently, she didn't want to do this either. Right when Chris sprung forward to attack, she rushed to the door. While Chris got up from his faceplant, Alexia burned right through the cage door and ran towards the booth where Wesker was.

When she busted into the door , she exclaimed, "Come out love, I don't want to hurt you for locking me in a cage and forcing me to fight those workers. I'll make you pay dearly!" She started looking around for her captor.

When she broke into the door leading to the bathroom, she got quite a shock inside. Too bad for you, we aren't allowed to put cameras in the bathrooms (at least on company payroll) so we don't know exactly what happened. All we have is audio.

"Where did you get that?"

"Ebay, now back off."

"No."

"Okay, your funeral."

"Okay, okay. What do you want?"

"You have any toliet paper?"

"No, but I'm rich."

"Well then, why don't we get to know each other better over coffee and crumpets?"

"I'd be delighted."

After that little informative chat, out came Alexia and Will, he works on lighting, with Will carrying a Linear Launcher.

While some armed guards came up to keep team STARS in and weld the door shut, Wesker came back on the monitor. "I hate you all, here's your stupid gun. I hope you all get herpes." Someone's in a grumpy mood. The Chicago Typewriter gets launched down from the ceiling. It bounces once one the ground, causing it to fire off three shots directly into Chris' leg. Being as Rebecca was still a little sore about the whole human shield incident, she wasn't going to be first in line to help. Soon the team was escorted out to their cage by the guards.

"Well, I'm in no mood to say goodbye, so just get out of here. Someone get me some vodka. I need a nap..."

_

* * *

I'm sorry I took so long, I wanted to get all my twisted ideas in. Also, I realized that I'm indecisive, so... if you review, go ahead and say which team you want next. Reviews now come in two flavors, cherry, and classic. Also, I'm very aware of other people reading this that don't review. I don't understand why you don't. Ah well, to each his/her own. So for now, so long..._


	6. Short stubby guys

_Alrighty, I first need to thank the reviewers of chapter 5. Yu Yu Hakufan, XxMade in HeavenxX, Davidolf, and last but not least, Sara A. Wesker. I also want to thank under. In fact, I thank him twice because I failed myself by forgeting to thank him last time. That was my bad. Now lets have ourselves some bloodshed._

As camera 2 comes in, we see Wesker lying facefirst on the bar. A crew member known only as "Donut Jim" comes forward into camera view looking a little uneasy. He slowly edges towards Wesker and taps him on the shoulder. It becomes apparent that he doesn't know what he's doing, because after he taps him, Wesker springs up and grabs him by the neck. "Chris, I'll kill you if you... wait, this isn't the S.T.A.R.S office isn't it? Ahhh, my head." That vodka must have had a little more kick to it then Wesker thought. Unknown to Wesker, he's still holding on to Jim's neck

"Okay, I just need to sit down. There we go, hey what are you doing in my hands? Get out of here. Now, who's team goes in next. Undecided? Damn... okay, I chose... um, team Birkin. Go get them."

As the guards go forward and try to get into the team's cage, machine-gun bullets whiz passed their heads. "What in the...?" Seth. He sure does love that Typewriter. From the looks of it, he likes it a little too much. He has a twisted smile on his face, he's twitching, and his hair is tangling up in front of him. "Your going to let us out off here, or your gooing to die!" He holds up the stunned guards from inside his cage when an alarm goes off. Out of a nearby doorway comes...

"Seth, look what you did! It's Verdugo!" Leon is now yelling at him as the so called "left hand" comes in and into Seth's cage. While the rest of team Stars cowers in fear, Seth bravely (or stupidly, you pick) marches up to it and starts pelting it's face with lead.

"Damn it Seth, that thing takes at least a thousand bullets to kill with that thing!" Poor, poor Seth. At this point, Carlos has woken up from his unconscious state, and is looking at Seth confused, and with a major hangover. "Hey, isn't that the prick who fell on me? Go Verdugo! Woot! Ouch, my head hurts..." Ah, little Carlos' head hurts.

"While they Seth is getting mauled, lets get team Birkin in there." Wesker orders the guards to take their eyes off the fight and bring in the team. Once inside, the guards and the team set themselves down and watch the fight between Verdugo and Seth. "Damn, Seth I really don't think you should use that arm for a while."

"No really? Hey Leon, how about a little help with that handcannon of yours?" Seth yells.

"What do you mean his handcannon? It's all..." THUNK. "That shut him up." Kevin lay out cold after having the butt of the gun meet the back of his head. "Come on Wesker, just bring out what we have to fight so we can watch Seth get mauled."

"Alright you pretty boy. If you can complete this match before one of those guys outside dies, you win one of the directors rare artifacts from Canada. Release the monsters. My head feels like a blender."

The doors releasing the next monster opens and in comes, the nefarious William Birkin! "That's no William Birkin you dolt. It's his brother, Billy Birkin."

Some gears inside Steve's head start churning when he says, "Billy Birkin? Isn't that...?" But lo and behold! He is cut off as four Bandersnatchs come into the cage.

Everyone runs in fear of them, except for Leon. He fearlessly trots up to them wearing a smug grin.

"What does Mr. Kennedy plan on accomplishing? Getting his head crushed in like a grape?" Wesker is as perplexed as anyone else when one bandersnatch attacks. It's arm flys towards Leon's head, ready to crunch it in for no apparent reason whatsoever. Really, it has no reason to crunch it's head. It's not like it eats people or anything, it's just a prick.

Right before it's long arm makes contact with Leon's head, he does the unbelievable. He ducks down. "Oh my god! Chris, did you see that!" Claire is awestruck by this incredible display of human ability. Soon, using his amazing ability to duck underneath every single attack, Leon makes his way to the monster's face. Here, he just starts hacking away at it with his combat knife until it dies. After that humiliating defeat of a so called, super monster, Leon calls out to Claire. "You see Claire. This is what you learn after six years of intensive government training. You guys take care of Billy, I'll deal with these monsters."

"Okay, Steve, how are we going to kill him?" Claire asks. With this brain buster in the air, Steve begins to meditate. Claire, on the other hand, seeing as how Birkin doesn't really appear to be noticing them, watches the Verdugo vs. Seth fight.

Unknown to Claire, Steve is in a deep hibernating state. He thinks back to summon the memory of his old master. "Morpheus, I need your help. A monster is coming to kill us and I don't know what to do. What should I do Morpheus?"

In his minds eye, the shape of a man appears. Unfortunately upon closer examination, it's not a man. It's the man/woman/tyrant Morpheus.

"Listen darling, you got to do something about that hair if you plan on doing anything to that thang." Steve reels back from the hideous mistake of a creature and trys to focus again. "Morpheus, the male Morpheus, I need your help."

Once again, the image of a man appears, and it's the real Morpheus! "You must focus Burnside. Free your mind. And watch my movies... my movies... movies..."

And with that, Steve wakes up.

"Steve, do you know how to kill Birkin yet?" Claire asked.

"Yeah, where is he?"

"About to kill me. Help!" Indeed, BB was about to kill Claire. Without wasting a second, Steve jumps into action. He jumps up into the air about thirty feet, bounds off the cage wall, and then flying kicks BB in the face, or whatever you would call it's head. Claire is unphased by this.

"I wondered how you were supposedly just a teenager, but when that bandersnatch was about to kill me, you went all Matrix-like." Just then Leon bounded up to them. "What's going on Claire? Need some help?"

"Well, so nice of you to come in right after Steve so couragously saved me."

"You know what Claire, I am sick of this! I get no respect wherever I go! Well guess what, I'm going to kill Birkin without your help!" And off went Leon on his quest to prove that he's better than Steve.

Meanwhile, in the teams' cages...

"The bleeding won't stop!"

"Where's the gun!"

"Gahhhh!"

"Let me take care of it, you pansys."

"Jill, noooo!"

"Has Leon killed Billy yet?"

"Did somebody say my name?"

"My head hurts."

"I love you masky."

"Kick his ass comrade!"

"I think my hangover's gone. So, is Birkin dead yet Leon?"

Unfortunately, no. Leon was closing in on him, muttering to himself something to himself about ivory soap. When he finally did close the gap, he let loose relentlessly with his knife. Even at this point Krauser's going "Daaaaamn." But time was wearing thin. Seth was getting his ass handed back to him really nicely, and Jill was only delaying the inevitable. Leon knew he had to save Seth if he was going to get more stuff. So he reluctantly pulled out his handcannon, and with his last shot, wiped out Verdugo.

"I'm alive! Leon, kick his ass!" Having been rescued right before his intestines spilled on the ground was quite possibly the greatist feeling in the world. It of course felt betting after he got his Typewriter back, and Rebecca started treating his wounds. Apparently, little Becky was watching the non-stop MacGyver marathon on UMB-TV; Therefore she was fixing up everyone's wounds (except Chris') using only a sock, three rubber-bands, and an inch-by-inch wad of toliet paper Billy had stuck on his shoe. In any event, everyone important was doing great.

"Claire, a little help!" BB had gotten the upper hand on Leon, and was thrashing him about like a midget in a bounce house. Claire and Steve were currently showing off their Matrix-esque moves to see who's was better. It looked like it was all over for Leon when...

Break

* * *

Coming soon to UMB-TV! We're going trilogy crazy with showings of The Matrix Trilogy, The Indiana Jones Trilogy, and finishing it off with both Star Wars trilogys! UMB-TV, if you didn't get the joke yet, we really can't help you.

* * *

"Amazing, absolutly fantastic! Leon, that was the most extreme array of combat manuevers I have ever seen in my whole life! And I'm Albert friggin Wesker! You deserve the prize more than anyone else I have ever seen, and once again bravo!" The entire studio was in appaulse. Leon stood in the middle of the arena with BB's dead corpse in front of him, and his entire body splattered with it's blood. Claire was cooing over him, and Steve was looking really grumpy. I feel sorry for the guy who missed that extodinary battle. 

"Give the hero his prize, he deserves it! No don't throw it in, hand it to him!" From the cage door a man trots in and hands him a box made of solid gold. Either that or gold plated. Inside was a lead pipe with a maple leaf indention on the side. "Yay, I always wanted one of these!"

During the team's walk back to their cage, the now conscious Kevin came up to Leon. "You have no idea what killed Birkin, do you?"

"Not a clue."

"I did. I came up behind him right before you were about to die when you sneezed. I then kicked Birkin in the gonads, and let me tell you, it was one of the best kicks I have ever done. It got good leverage and..."

"I'll just save you the trouble and just give you the pipe."

"Thanks mate."

"Well, join us next time where I won't have a hangover anymore. Until, uh oh!" Wesker jumps off the bar stool and leans over to pool gagging. Camera two pans over head before fading to black.

_

* * *

A little stranger than usual, but it works I guess. By the way, in case you didn't notice, I'm very indecisive. So it would be much abliged if you all could tell me which team and what monsters to fight. I have two ideas still in my head, but after that Nemesis on Titan fight, my brain went into a comotose state. Well, please leave a review, and get a reply. Until the next chapter, later!_


	7. Cave match

_First and foremost, let me thank the reviewers of chapter 6: Yu Yu Hakufan, photonman63, Sara A. Wesker, Cpt.ShaneSchofield, Davidolf, DrewCaine, RE4geek and 'M.N.A. Now here's Wesker..._

Camera 2 comes into view, and this time Wesker is both conscious and level- headed. He's seen giving money over to one very happy looking co-worker. Once he leaves, Wesker turns and adresses the camera. "If any of you remember, I said that I'm guessing these guys would die before round five. It's round six, and now I own some money to several employees." Wesker takes a good look at his wallet and sighs.

"So, who's going into the cage this time?" A paper airplane flys over head and lands near him. "And the lucky team is... Stars!"

Down in the Stars cage groans, moans, and the sound of vomit are soon heard. Over in the Mercs team's cage however...

"Hells yeah! I wish we had some tequila so I could ask you to pour me a glass Hunk!" Krauser is spinning arm-in-arm with Hunk merrily.

"No tequila for me, I don't want to go through that hangover from hell again."

Billy is sitting in a corner looking sad. "I hope Rebecca doesn't get hurt. I'd hate to have to get acquainted these weirdos." Billy shudders at the thought.

For some reason though, the team isn't brought into the cage. "What's the deal?" Chris exclaims. Seth jabs him in the chest, "If we're lucky he might forget us, so don't blow it."

"Now, now, I wouldn't forget you." The team looks shocked to see Wesker standing outside their cage.

"Seth, shoot it!" and Seth does. He pelts Wesker full of lead, but, just like last time, most shots either miss, or don't phase him at all.

"Damn it Seth! How many times must you shoot me before you realize that I'm not going to die!" He then moves aside a part of his dress coat to reveal a button that says "Capcom loves me."

"Crap." Seth immediately stops shooting and puts down his gun. While everyone looks depressed, and Wesker enjoys the moment, Krauser comes over to the side of the cage to say a word to Wesker. "Capcom may love you, but remember, this isn't a Capcom sponsered event." Jack looks pretty smug with himself and the other teams start to get their spirits raised. Of course, Wesker can't have that.

"Well, don't think I haven't thought of that." He then pulls aside the other side of his dress coat to reveal yet another button that says "The public loves me."

"I hold all the strings you bastards. Now then, the reason I'm here is because, due to a sudden increase in the directors income," he slowly pats the side of his pocket, "we can now afford to have more bad guys and a better arena."

Everyone looks up to the cage, and from above drops what looks like a cave walls formated for the cage. "It makes things darker, thereby scarier. Also, the next two rounds feature monsters that are not to fond of light. So, good luck."

And with that, Wesker bids them ado.

Soon the nameless goons (who if they died nobody in the entire world would care) come in and drag the relunctant team into the dank and horrid cave. They await Wesker to tell them what they would have to fight. And speak of the devil, Wesker appears on the monitor.

"Hello once again mortals. This time your prize is a bit more unique. If you win, you can die to a soundtrack!" Wesker laughs whole heartedly.

"Yes, each time you enter the cage, a new song will play to your peril. I decided to add this because I ran out of boze. You get it if your able to kill all the monsters in the order they appear. Have fun."

Then the monsters come. A dripping piece of hits Chris' shoulder, he looks at it and says aloud "Now my shirt is ruined. This whole incedent is really screwing me over isn't it?"

Everyone else without a form of brain damage looks up to see what excreted the putrid substance. I could tell you what they are, but the survivors responses are more entertaining.

"How many fucking leeches are there!"

"One, two, three..."

"Screw e'm all! Hahahahahaha!" The last guy started screaming like a mad-man with joy at the sight of all the cannon fodder. I'll give you three guesses as to who it was and the first two don't count.

Chris on the other hand, not caring enough to look at what was being shot at, looked around to see if there was anything else coming in. Lucky him. In walked a good sized Tyrant-esque looking thing with very long tentacles for fingers. Everyone else was too busy fragging the leeches by the dozen to notice it. If things continued this way, they would all die horrible, painful deaths without even knowing what killed them.

"You sure know how to raise a guy's spirits, narrator. Someone get him a drink!" Wesker, you just live this up.

So, anyways, the Tyrant was walking over towards Jill, who was smashing the leeches with her boot, when Chris jumped into action. He ran up to the monster and started thrashing it with his knife. Of course, anyone crazy enough to ever have tried this know it's an absolutely futile effort. Eventually though, the other team members notice Chris getting beated senseless and lend a hand to help (whether they noticed eariler and were just enjoying the show, we may never know).

Seth starts off by firing at LEAST three-thousand rounds directly into it's chest. Jill's ability to do almost everything better than Chris shows off when she succeeds in knifing the fiend without getting hurt. As for ickle Becky, she repeatedly kicks at his crotch.

But alas, their efforts prove worthless, as it keeps on keeping on. As for the leeches, they seem to be doing nothing of any importance being as they are an inch long an have a centimeter of teeth. Scary.

Soon, the team draws back to a corner as the Tyrant closes in on them, tentacles flailing.

"What do we do? It obviously has no weak spot on it's body!" Chris yelled.

"All we can do is cower in fear." Says Becky.

"Even my machine gun bullets are of no match against a Tryrant's hind!" Seth looks defeated.

"Even I can do nothing to stop it with my knifing talents!" Jill sulks.

The team cowers as the tentacles first begin to whip at Chris' feet ("I hate my life."). All seemed lost when a bucket of buttered popcorn comes crashing into the arena with a splat. Everyone turns to look into the audience to find... an angry looking audience member!

"Come on! The thing's not even a threat! All you have to do is hit the back of it's head! Gosh, idiot!" Tons of people are confused at this very moment, causing the ratings of the show to drop dramatically. Wesker, wanting to keep this cushy job, jumps into action.

"Who the hell are you, and how do you know how to kill the T-091?" Wesker says out of his monitor.

"My name is Bruce McGovern." He stands up and pauses a bit. "You know, I defeated that hideous monster Morpheus."

"Nope never heard of him."

"Who?"

"Bruce Wayne?"

"Morpheus... movies?"

"I want to be inside you masky."

"Lets stop this before the audience leaves."

Up in the stands, the person sitting next to Bruce stands up and talks him down.

"Bruce come on, don't make a scene."

"Why should I listen to you?"

"Because I can kick your ass." She then grabs his arm and twists it around, hurting him. While they squabble, the Stars team turns their attention to the things in the cage with them.

Chris, wanting revenge, walks right up behind the Tyrant, and cracks it over the back of it's head with his knife. It falls to ground in a pile of meat.

"Yay! I did something!" Chris rushes over to Jill to hug her when she bashs him in the nads. "What was that for?"

"Now we don't get music you turd!" She spits on him.

"Well, lets get this over with and kill the leeches." Seth props up his gun and plows down the rest of the monsters easily. "Done, now lets get out of here. I want a nap." Soon the guards come over and escort them to their home-sweet-home. Wesker comes down on the giant monitor soon afterwards to speak with them.

"Sorry you didn't win the prize. But we have something else for you. Send them in!" Into each of the cage a person is marched as it becomes obvious that they got new members.

"Stars new member is Bruce. The Mercs team's new member is Alice," Everyone realizes that the woman arguing with Bruce was her. "And for team Birkin, Kevin's old buddy Mark Williams. Sadly, he was lurking outside at the 7-Eleven, so we picked him up. I think I need a nap too. From the producers of this show, later!"

_Woah, may have been a rushed work. Oh well, thanks to Sara Wesker for the Tyrant and info, and Yu Yu Hakufan for the leeches idea, (even if I tweaked it). Leave a review, a request, and a get a response. Actually, I respond to everything, but requests are nice. You can also request a prize! I love reviews, they're almost as tasty as the moon babies I draw my power from. 00._


	8. A lot of furry legs

_Fear the power of the reviewers of chapter 7! Sara A. Wesker, Yu Yu Hakufan,dIvInE SeReNiTy, Raitokage, Cpt.ShaneSchofield, under (did you review the wrong chapter?) and of course, XClaire BearX. Now here's our host, Albert Wesker!_

Camera 2 pans into the room, but Wesker is nowhere to be found. Again. After fifteen seconds of confusion and a momentary switch to camera 1, Wesker crawls into the room, apparently in great pain. He has a bloody ice pack pressed firmly against his side and is scowling every few inches. Eventually though, he reaches his stool and stares up to the camera.

"Hello, I'm your host, Albert ah fuck it. Ahh...ooh. It hurts so bad, I'm gonna skip the formalities and cut to business. It's the mercs, don't receive outside help, the prize is music along with this thing Mark had on him, and your fighting a thousand giant spiders. Someone get me an IV, for the love of god! Why won't it stop bleeding!" Several crew members rush to his aid. If the show was cancelled due to his death, they would be out of the job (or put as the next contestants).

Meanwhile, the crew members haven't had much time to interact. All that is really known about the strangers is that Mark has a bag with him, Bruce has an attitude, and Alice is hardcore. So the mercs step out looking well rested and ready for the spiders. When they come out though, it's a whole different story.

"A thousand spiders didn't sound like much, but damn!"

"I'll protect you masky."

"Too easy baby."

"What she said."

"Wonder what happens when wisky and poison mix."

"Aghhhhhhhh! Spiders!"

It's at about this time that everyone realizes that Wesker fears spiders more than excruciating pain to the abdomen. Bad news for Wesker.

Back in the cave, Alice begins showing off her crazy kung-fu manuevers, likes of which can only be seen in slow-motion. Krauser, wanting to win the prize, uses his wing to keep the spiders from biting him. Billy quickly gets caught, brought up to the ceiling, and starts to get cocooned. Carlos uses a newspaper clipping he had in his pocket to keep the spiders at bay ("Don't make me roll it up!"). And Hunk hurrys to try and save Billy.

This continues for a while until Hunk finally gets to the top of the cave. There, he cuts Billy free and they fall down onto a couple of spiders, killing them instantly. The spiders, not them.

"Quick, lets get behind Krauser!" Hunk yells, and they both run behind Jack's little invincible wing. Carlos is now unleashing the furry that is a rolled up newspaper wad. By now I estimate he's killed five-hundred sixty-two. Added to the three-hundred thirty Alice has eliminated, and the ones Hunk and Billy landed on, that makes one-hundred to go.

The spiders realize that their numbers are thinning. Taking into account the devastating power of the humans, they burn a hole in the cave wall with their acid spit, and make a scuttle for it.

"What the hell is... Aghhhhhhhh! They've escaped!" Wesker, now tied to his IV, is in utter terror as a few of the spiders make their way into the studio. He starts to run when the IV holds him back. One of the spiders makes jump at him, but hits the IV into the pool. Thus, Wesker is once again put in a fight for his life in the pool. This time however, he must make a choice. Either drown in the pool, or take off the IV and go out to where thirty something spiders are waiting for him.

The staff that is in the backup studio however, begin congragulating the team via monitor.

"Congrats!"

"Here here!"

"Pazaa!"

"You win prizes!" Down drops the actual physical prize. It looks like a mine thrower but with a bigger slot for ammo. The mercs moe slowly towards it wondering aloud.

"What the..."

"I think I might have used one of those in training..."

"Looks funny...

"Does this look infected?"

"You were bitten?" Everyone looks at Carlos, shocked.

"You need a blue herb, or Becky to help you." Billy says.

"Nah, I'm fine. Hey, where did the thing go?"

Indeed upon turning back, the mine-thrower-thing was gone. The team looks around for where it might have gone, but have no luck as they are escorted to their cage. While their walking back in, they see the cave shell get lifted up and removed.

Back with Wesker...

He's gotten out of the bloody water and was now kicking the spiders asses. Though the blood loss, and his own fear of touching them were hazards. Once all the spiders are dead, he promptly falls flat on his face bleeding like a zombie. When the crew members that survived the spiders come up to help him, on of them finds something written quite hastly and stowed in his jacket pocket.

She reads it aloud, " 'Tough luck, but your kidney has been removed. Seek immediate medical attention unless you feel like dying. 100 pesos has been included for bus fair to a hospital. Have a nice day:)' Weird."

Back in the team Birkin cage...

Mark sits in a corner fiddling around with something, a hidden camera spots him loading the contents of the bag he was carrying into the stolen weapon. He chuckles to himself creeply.

_A shorter chapter, but a chapter none-the-less. Someone out in the viewing audience might already know something that others don't. Thanks to Yu Yu Hakufan (or pjc030492) for the spider rampage idea. Leave a review or you'll face the same fate as Wesker at the end of Chris' adventure in RE. Until the next chapter, this has been Tangora..._


	9. A couple and their flowers

_The reviewers and their thanks: XClaire BearX, Sara A. Wesker, Cpt.ShaneSchofield, dIvInE SeReNiTy, and Yu Yu Hakufan. Here's the host, Albert..._

Camera 2 comes down by the pool where we find Albert sitting with Killer7 by side, a good amount of bandages on his side, and a Burger King. "Stop calling me Albert, it's Wesker. You call mortals by their first names. The reason I got all this stuff is because I learned from experience. These windows aren't bullet-proof, I shouldn't drink and go to Mexico, and BK is tasty. Also, thanks to sponsership, I have to say this every episode."

Wesker clears his throat. "What does a evil psycopath like to eat after a hard day of being a bastard? Why, Burger King of course!" He holds up the bag and smiles. The dark sunglasses mixed with a smile that would make a zombie barf, (but what doesn't?) well it was one scary sight.

"Now then, who has the audience chosen as the next victims? Stars, again? I know I'm evil and all, but I'm guessing that these people want one of them dead. Oh well, bring them into the cage." Wesker takes a bite out of his Whopper as the team is motioned into the cage. Thankfully, Seth has lost most of his adrenaline from having his CT back, and was level-headed once more.

Once inside the cage, Wesker appeared on the monitor munching down his fries. "I'm feeling great, today. So, the bonus objective today is to kill the last enemy with your shoe...? We're running out of bonus objectives. So, you'll be facing off today against..." The cage door opened.

"...Lisa Trevor..." In walked the Beauty/Beast.

"...Plant 42..." The monster fell on top of the cage and began wrapping itself into it.

"...and a mutated Nemesis." In walked the ugliest incarnation of the beast. With it and Lisa standing side-by-side, it looked like the prom night from hell.

Right before it was on, music started playing. Strangely enough, it was "We're off to see the wizard".

Seth, as expected, let loose with, you guessed it, his Chicago Typewriter. He didn't do it for long before Rebecca interrupted him. "You know that those things are imune to gunfire right?" Jill slapped her upside the head. "You so stoopid. Only Lisa is." And with that, Seth returned to firing.

Chris just ran around in terrified circles. He has good reason too. I mean, he's had his hand slashed, his leg shot, chased by a mutated arm, fallen on...

Bruce was doing what he does best. Bitching about how nobody knows who he is. In order to keep the censors from exploding, we will replace his ranting with the ranting of this old fart we found outside.

"Back in my day, we had to walk to school uphill, both ways, in the snow, barefoot, with all our books in our hands cause we didn't have any of your fancy smancy carrying robits..."

Jill was doing her thing by knifing Lisa Trevor into submission. She might have had her fall on the ground soon, if it wasn't for Seth being so trigger happy and accidentally shooting her arm. Nemmy took this chance and lifted her up off the ground by her throat.

With everyone busy doing whatever their doing, the only one who could save her was girl who is notorious for making Chris look smart. Yep, little Becky was going to have to save Jill. She ran up to Nemmy and started pounding on his side with her fists. Very effective. I especially liked the part where Lisa pounded her to the ground.

From the looks of things, they were going to die. That's when Chris sprung into action. He lept high in the air towards Nemesis screaming like a maniac. Everyone was in shock at his display of bravery until Seth cleared things up.

"Oh no, Chris has been caught in the vines of Plant 42!"

At this point, Jill is on the verge of dying. Upon hearing that Chris has been grabbed by plant 42, she does what she does best. Doing everything better than Chris. At this time, that means saving herself/Chris.

She starts off her little masacre by pulling a Leon and escaping it's clutchs via convenient boot to the face. Afterwards, she knifes away one of the snake things slashing out of Lisa's face. She then climbs up the side of the cage, leaps off, and cuts the vine grasping Chris' body.

As soon as she lands, she yells to Seth, "Shoot Plant 42!" and he promptly responds. He pelts the monster with everything hes got, which right now is more than pi, so it's no duh that the thing falls down after about twenty shots. And thus begins the domino effect.

The core falls down on top of Nemesis, this sends him flailing backwards, right into Lisa. Lisa falls back into the cage wall, and her chained up arms get lodged in the wall. And last, but not least, the remaining vines entangled up in the cage fall down upon a horror stricken Nemmy (I'm just guessing, I mean, for all I know, he could have been smiling or laughing. That's the price you pay for being uber powerful, no lips).

So, here was the situation. Nemmy was a mark on the ground, Plant 42 was slowly disolving, and Lisa Trevor was an inhuman punching bag. The reward was in the bag. Everyone (even the bitching bastard Bruce, say that five times fast) trotted up to Lisa, took off their shoes, and started to beat her senseless. Oh, their anger due to their childhood years of neglect, abuse, and incidents involving marijuana, were finally paying off as they quickly smashed Lisa into a lowly piece of cabbage. Evil, T, G, Ebola, filled cabbage.

In any case, Wesker came down on the monitor with his soda in his hands to speak with them. "Yes, it seems you've won. The prize by the way is that each of you get your most used weapon, unless of course it was already given. Here you are!"

Down dropped everyone's favourite weapons onto the unsuspecting Stars. Approximately four handguns flew down and fired shots randomly, one bow-and-arrow combo, a TMP, another handgun with a stock, two golden lugers, a piece of cheese, an assault rifle, a grenade launcher, and last, a musket.

Camera 1 comes back onto Wesker as he begins crumpling up his bag. "Well, that's our show. Join us next time to see more bloodshed! I'm your host Albert Weskahh!" The camera spins around to see a bear lumbering towards him looking angry. Near the back of the screen, you can just make out two co-workers of Wesker laughing their asses off. And the camera fades to black, being as it's on a timer, right before the bear swings at Wesker.

_Right oh, just because I care, I've decided to put up a reference chapter, so all you can do is look up at it to see who is in which team, what weapons and prizes the've won, yadda yadda yadda. I'll update it everytime something new comes in. Leave a review so as to get a response to tide you till the next chapter. Till then, later!_


	10. Reference Chapter

_Reverence Guide Ver. 2.4_

Survivor Guide

Claire, Leon, Mark, Jill, Rebecca, Seth, Chris, Bruce, Hunk, Jack, Alice, Billy, Ada, Shane and The Merchant

Dead: Carlos, SteveMisc: Kevin

Prizes.

Weapons: Four handguns, bow-and-arrow, a TMP, Matilda, two golden lugers (empty), an assault rifle (gone), a grenade launcher (empty), a handcannon (no bullets), Marks thing (empty?), Chicago Typewriter, a metal pole, a clipping featuring Carlos (gone), 9 combat knives, linear launcher, and a musket.

Food: A bottle of wine, 4 Burger King meals, a 24-pack of chicken tenders, a cookie.

Other: Hunk's mask, music, anti-virus, a whack at the Nyx

Monsters fought

Zombies: 11

Crimson Head: 505

Iron Maiden: 3

Nemesis: 2

Lisa Trevor: 1

Plant 42: 1

Giant Spider: 1000

Titan: 1

Mr. X: 3

Verdugo: 1

Hunter: 3

Alexia: 1

Leechs: 1000

Birkin: 1

Bandersnatches: 4

T-091: 2

Lurker: 6

Licker: 13

Yawn: 1

Neptune: 1

El Gigante: 1  
T-001: 1

T-002: 1

T-003: 1

T-078: 1  
Dr. Salvador: 1  
Bella sisters: 2  
Mendez: 1  
Saddler: 1  
Salazar: 1  
Del Lago: 1  
Zombie Dogs: 10

Final Word

_Right, so if there are any mistakes in this, please tell me. I will update it every so often. Until then, later!_


	11. The L word Not that one

_As always, give a round of applause for the reviewers of chapter 9/10 (I realeased them at the same time): Sarah The Hypered Up Jelly Bean, under, RE4geek, Xmaster, Yu Yu Hakufan, Raitokage, Sara A. Wesker, XClaire BearX, DrewCaine, and Cpt.ShaneSchofield. You've all been waiting for it, it's chapter... crap, do I count the reverence one as a real chapter? Screw it, chapter 11!_

As camera 1 comes in, we see Wesker looking pretty bruised up, wearing a cast over his left arm (!) and it appears that he has a twitch now. Lying next to him is yet another bag of BK. "Hello, I'm Albert Wesker. Due to recent injuries caused by certain _ex-_employees, I now have to wear this for a few days. Surprisingly, even my super-healing abilities aren't really useful when it comes to a bear attack." Wesker grimaces.

"Now down to business," He picks up his burger, "What does a evil psycopath like to eat after a hard day of being a bastard? Why, Burger King of course!" he takes a bite out of the burger, followed by a clearly fake 'Mmmmmm...'

"Today's team, just because I like to see grown men cry, is the Mercs. I'd laugh maniacally, but I don't want to risk my arm popping out of it's socket."

Lets see how the Mercs take the news; Krauser is crying on Hunk's shoulder, Hunk is patting him on th back, Carlos has a blank stare on his face, Billy wakes up from his nap, and Alice, well Alice hasn't seen any action since she pounded Bruce (get your mind out of the gutter) so she's all for it.

"Now, the bonus objective: Spank one of the enimies asses? Someone is running out of ideas. Anywho, you gots to fight six lurkers, and thirteen lickers. I'll tell you the prize after I get my hair rejuvenated. Who knew that blood causes so many split ends?" And with that, Wesker walks off set with his bag.

Down in the cage, the team examine the situation.

"Is this what we were worried about?"

"Speak for yourself pansy."

"Damn monkeys."

"You need food. I need food. Let me eat monkey."

"I've handled lickers before."

The team walks into action. They walk because this is going to be a cakewalk. Krauser busts out his arm an kills three of the monkeys just like that. Too bad they can all climb walls, because he would have been able to annihilate the others the same way.

A licker takes a chance and leaps right at Hunk, hoping to latch onto his face and give him a good, long, wet, kiss. Too bad for it, Hunk doesn't swing that way. When it gets a foot between him, Hunk reaches out and grabs the monster, _by the throat._ With his free hand, he cuts off the tounge of the ill fated licker, and with one daring plunge, stabs the creature in the brain.

Billy is wrestling with not one, but two lurkers. Good thing he still has his knife, or he'd be monkey chow.

Alice has already succeded in completing the bonus objective, and was bitch slapping a stupid, stupid, licker. It was around this time that something dawned on Krauser. "Wait... didn't we just get new weapons?" Everyone stared at crazy with their eyes wide. Then they looked over to the weapons left behind by the other teams. Krauser's bow, Hunk's TMP, Carlos' assault rifle, Alice's piece of cheese, and Billy's musket. And the race was on!

The entire team sped at them like their lives depended on it. Billy reached his musket first, being as his life really did depend on it. He then started the long, long, long, long, long... process of loading it.

While he did that, Alice reached her weapon of choice. Now a lot of people would think "Hey, how the hell am I supposed to kill zombies en masse with a piece of cheese!" Well, by swinging it with all her stength, she was able to discover that it has more cutting potential than glass.

Before Jack could even grab his bow, she already cut a lurker _in half._ With his bow in hand, Jack realized something. "Wait, I only have one arrow! Do they expect me to reuse it or what?" Krauser was pissed beyond the point of killing things to take out his anger. No, he was in a whole no level of pissed.

Next to grab his gun was Hunk. Now anyone who's anyone knows that when Hunk has his TMP, the kill count rises to incredible rates. Rates so high, that if it was a game, and it got scored, he would be getting sixty-thousand points easily. Anyway, he already killed the last three lurkers when Carlos arrived at the scene.

Now, if you were paying attention, you would know that something was wrong with Carlos. Well now, all doubt is lost. The teams on the sidelines, the audience, and Wesker was peering out the window with shampoo in his hair in awe. Carlos had taken a bite, out of Krauser.

Krauser took careful aim, and blasted his face right out off the face of the earth without hesitation. Sure, his arrow was gone, but on the plus side, a zombie was no more. Now all that was left to do, was kill the last twelve lickers.

Hunk tore his eyes away from the sight of the corpse to pop a leaper licker right in the head. It seemed this was enough to bring him back to his old self because after the he killed it he said, "Boom headshot!"

Billy looked shocked at how Hunk was acting, and put down his grease and loading stick to criticize him. "Someone just died, have you no soul!"

"Don't you know who I am? Every, single, mission I go on, I'm the only one to survive! When someone dies near me now, I just say to myself, 'Sucks to be them' and keep on killing things."

Now by this time, Billy finally loaded the gun. He took aim at the nearest licker, and fired. Though he might as well have spit at it, because a musket is a BB-gun with gunpowder. The licker didn't even notice and slashed his ankle with ease. It looked like it was all over for dear Billy, when Jack grabbed the licker by the neck, and sliced it's head open.

Now, to spare you the joy of watching the remainging lickers get mauled by Krauser, a piece of cheese, and machine gun bullets, here's a commercial.

Break

The camera comes into a BK and zooms in on an unbadaged Wesker sitting down with a plate full of food in front of him. "Hi, as you may know, I'm Albert Wesker. With low prices and great food, BK sure does hit the spot. So come on down and gather round the good stuff!" A phone book slams him across the face as a voice yells off screen, "That's Pizza Hut you retard! We have bears back here, and if your not careful, one might accidentally be released in your studio."

"Really? Like that will happen. I'm out of here." And with that, Wesker leaves. The camera doesn't do anything for a second before it goes to the technical difficulties message.

When the camera returns to the cage, Hunk snaps the neck off the last licker alive. Just then, Wesker appears on the monitor.

"So that's why... yeah, your prize was supposed to be five BK meals, but seeing as how there are only four of you, you get four. Drop them down slowly, we don't want to get our sponsers mad."

Down drops on wires four BK meals. Things were looking good for the Mercs, but as you well know, that never lasts in this twisted place. Right before the first one reached the ground, one of the wires snaps, causing a buffet of food stuffs to land on Hunk. Now this wouldn't be so bad if it were anyone else. Everyone would laugh and the guy would clean themselves off, but this is Hunk. This is mask-obsessed Hunk.

Within the timespan of thirty seconds, he had the team locked in a headlock while several armed guards walked around him carefully wielding sponges.

Camera 2 comes on, we see Wesker laughing his ass off. "That's all for today, toon in next time to see more crazy crap! Oh man, he just shoved his foot up that guy's butt!" Wesker's laughing is still heard as the screen fades to black.

_Thanks for reading! And thanks to Raitokage for the Licker/Lurker party idea. Until the next chapter, later! And leave a review, or else we'll send the BK guys after you!_


	12. Animal crackers and soup

_If you've read the other chapters, I'm sure you know this was coming: sora-lionheart395, XClaire BearX, Yu Yu Hakufan, dIvInE SeReNiTy, Xmaster, under, Cpt.ShaneSchofield, Sarah The Hypered Up Jelly Bean, and last but not least, Sara A. Wesker. It's the price they pay, it's the cage match..._

Camera 2 comes in to see Wesker with yet another bag of BK. It seems that the abundance of it that he's been forced to gorge has taken it's toll, as Wesker leans over his stool moaning. "You already know my name, and it seems that a lot of you are pissed off." Several confused glances appear on everyone's faces.

"Don't try to disguise it! I know you're all pissed that I broke the stereo last time and nobody heard the song!" Everyone except for a few members of the audience are confused. Someone on the staff goes far enough to re-check the tape from the last episode to make sure.

"Yup, he broke it alright. If you look closely when he's going away to get his hair cleaned, you can see him trip a little. Then it cuts to the cage members."

Everyone stares at Wesker. "So, what are you going to do now that you've deprived the surivors of music?"

Wesker nulls it over, then, an idea hits him. "Why don't we use this old-timey record player?" He pulls out an ancient looking relic from the olden days of yore. Staff members are surprised it even exists.

"I've studied the times of CD's, but records!"

"Those are the stuff of legend!"

"How did he find one of those?"

These questions go unanswered as Wesker pushes aside the old super surround sound stereo system and replaces it with a piece of crud.

"Before I forget." He picks up his bag. "What does a evil psycopath like to eat after a hard day of being a bastard? Why, ahh my stomach feels like it's going to explode in a pile of crap." Wesker gets down on the ground in the fetal position in an attempt to stop the rush of fecal matter trying to escape. During this disturbing scene, a nearby staff member comes over to set up the teams.

"Okay, I chose team Birkin, everyone has to do a least one backflip before the last monster is killed, and the prize is a twenty-four pack of chicken tenders." The staff member then walks off set without a word.

As the team is pushed into the cage, the team trys their hand in completing the bonus objective. Steve and Leon succeed on their first try, Kevin falls on the back of his neck, Claire lands it on her third try, and Mark is huddled in a corner as some weird crunching sounds are heard.

The moment of safety doesn't last long as a song that can only be described as "The lollypop tree" begins to play. When the cage door does open however, in comes a good three feet worth of water. Small walls are erected to keep the water in as in come the one and only, Neptune! It thrashs about wildly as the second creature slithers in, the deadly Yawn! When the next thing comes out, everyone except for Leon, Hunk, Krauser, and Wesker looks confused. It looks like a troll from Lord of the Rings. Leon being in the cage himself, immediately takes out his knife, and readys his Matilda.

Meanwhile...

"Damn, I remember having to kill one of those things when Ada told me where to get the sample. Lying bitch, I'm glad she's dead."

And Krauser...

"I remember when I first met Saddler. He sent that thing out to kill me because he thought I was a soliciter."

And Hunk...

"El Gigante, first defeated one when I was sent in to eliminate all remaining Ganados. Shoot in face and slash Las Plagas. I still got it."

In any case, the team was royally screwed. The only thing that could make things worse would be if the water caught fire or if there was a giant zombie dog. But that would be just plain stupid.

Leon had himself a plan. Kill the Gigante so it'll fall down on top of the other monsters. He started out by shooting at the monster's face.

Kevin having faced giant sharks before was swimming as fast as he could to get away from it.

Claire was launching grenades at the snake at an amazing pace. It didn't even seem like she reloaded it because she moved so fast. Guess she must hate snakes.

What about Steve? He was trying to help Leon by shooting the El Gigante.

And Mark? Somehow he managed to stay underwater and continue his... whatever he does.

Using his super government training, Leon managed to get himself grabbed by the giant and was currently learning what it felt like to get his insides crushed into the size of a pea. Good for him though, he brought out his knife and stabbed the giant's arm. Once in the water again, he felt something strange about the ground he was swimming on. It was moving.

While Leon went on his little race around the cage on the Neptune, Kevin had made it all the way to the top of the cage. Right in front of the Yawn. He pulled out his golden pipe and started the mini-game from hell. Use the pipe to keep the monster's jaws at bay! Sounds like fun to me.

Anyone who's played the first Resident Evil knows that the Yawn can't take too many grenades to the face before falling dead. So it should come as no surpise that Kevin was able to survive his little dance with danger.

Leon however was still riding the waves atop the giant shark of doom. And El Gigante was getting ever nearer to Steve's onslaught of bullets. All the while the music rang through, "Lolly-lolly-lollypop tree. A lollypop tree, lollypop tree, lolly-lolly-lollypop tree."

As the giant grew closer to Steve after he expended all of his bullets, something strange began happening to it. It started to slosh around in the water instead of advancing towards Steve. Might as well, he already wasted all his bullets.

Anyway, while the Gigante danced to the tune of "Lollypop Tree," Leon had finally learned how to take control of Neptune, and was just screwing around in the water.

What of Claire and Kevin? Well Kevin was still hanging on the roof, and Claire is trying to coax him to get down so he can do his backflip.

"Come on Kevin, if you come down you're bound to do a backflip while falling." she said.

"Okay, but you have to catch me." Stupid Kevin didn't even wait for Claire to say okay. He fell right on her into the water. And in the water, while they were floating, something of Kevin's landed on something of Claire's, that ended with Kevin getting slapped five feet into the air before falling onto Neptune.

"Hey Leon. Why do you look so pissed?" Indeed, Leon was looking extremely red in the face. It looked like his head would explode like a zombie's with a magnum bullet. Why?

"You perverted son of a bitch! Neptune! Kill the heathen!" Leon then kicked Kevin off the shark and started a wild chase around the pool after the guy who touched Claire.

After about three minutes of this, the record player broke and El Gigante started after Steve again. He swam his way over to the side of the cage where Mark was and made the mistake of bumping into him.

In the time span of three seconds, Mark did the following. He kicked Steve so far into the air that he slammed into the Neptune, sending it flying into the side of the cage, killing it instantly.

The he ran up the side of the wall, backfliped, whilst in the air aimed his minethrower thing and fired at the El Gigante. Some say that out of the launcher came a rocket. Others say a barrage of Grenades. But because everyone in the cage was too busy with their own problems, they didn't see. But we have video footage of what it actually is. It is, it is... a baby armed with C4 explosives!

As soon as the infant hit, the El Gigante exploded into a million pieces. The pieces mixed together with the water. Add the blood from the Neptune, and the giant snake corpse, and you have yourself giant monster noodle soup!

Soon Wesker comes down on the TV monitor. He looks much better after having his stomach pumped. "You actually won? Drain the water. While the water drains let me tell you what you've won!" So Wesker somehow goes from talking about their chicken tenders, to a long story about the time he had diarrhea, all the while team Birkin spins around in monster noodle soup.

Once the water's drained, the chicken tenders come down onto them. When the team gets to them, it's an all-out fist fight to see who gets the most.

"Join us next time, this is Wesker saying, I gotta go harrass someone in a jail cell." The camera pans out, and fades to black.

_I have to say that not one bit of this chapter was from my own head. Yu Yu Hakufan thought up the El Gigante, Yawn, and Neptune (though other people suggested it and I think that pjc03492 thought up the Neptune and Yawn). The chicken nugget prize was courtesy of under, as was something else but that's a plot element. Anywho, thanks for reading, and review or else Wesker will come to your house and show you how bad his diarrhea is! Later!_


	13. They are so fucked

_What's this? Me thanking reviewers: Sara A. Wesker, XxMade in HeavenxX, XClaire BearX, Yu Yu Hakufan, Magnus The Wolf, wind waker41, StrangeWanderer, sora-lionheart395, Xmaster, and Lyokofan. Welcome, to Jurassic Park:_

Camera 2 comes in on Wesker sitting down with yet another bag of Burger King. He looks at it with a grimace on his face, either that or he's asleep, damn sunglasses. To make sure he's awake, a member of the crew we don't like is shoved out to wake him.

"No fucking way, I remember what happened to donut Jim." the crew member grabs an anger ball and throws it at Wesker. When he wakes up, the crew member points at the director. Screams followed by a drawn out 'Nooooooo...' are soon heard.

When Wesker comes back, he sits back down and looks at the camera.

"Yeah, I was sleeping because I spent all last night reading."

"Yeah! Reading po..." the ill fated crew member doesn't finish his sentence because Wesker fires his Killer7 off screen.

"My testicles!"

"Anyone else want some? Okay, today's team of choice is team Birkin. And as a bonus, this is a very special round. You only have to kill one of the enemies, but you also have to rescue a very special hostage. Bring her in!"

The cage doors open, but before the hostage could come in, two members in team Birkin practically shit themselves.

"Please, please, don't let it be that chatty little..."

"It better not be that screaming blonde bimbo."

It was the latter. Ashley Graham was carried into the cage the same way she's carried off by Ganados. She was over the shoulder of some goon screaming "Leon! Heeelp!"

Wesker continued on the monitor. "You have to get this screaming bimbo down from the top of the cage while being harassed by the following,"

The cage doors opened once more to reveal the incoming monsters. First thing to enter was a Tyrant-00 model. To those of you who don't know what it is, it's Mr.X, the trenchcoat wearing bastard. The next thing to enter was, well what do you know, the Tyrant-001 model. Becky and Billy laughed at team Birkin.

Next to enter was, well this is getting old, the Tyrant-002 model. To make things interesting, Wesker decided to play on his record player the song from the Miss America pageant.

"There it is, Tyrant-003, lovely as ever can be. Here comes the next one, Rockfort island's good mate, Tyrant model-078. There she is, Tyrant from... screw it. It's the T-091. Now, onto the complicated rules of this round that will no doubt confuse you to the point of having brain tumors. The other teams can go off screen now and do anything they don't want to do on camera."

Several people did go off camera. Who they are, well, let's just say that two cages suddenly became empty. Onto the rules of this match.

"Get Ashley Graham out of the cage, and kill the big boss. If you win this round, you get the prize because this is just to fucking hard."

"What's the big boss?"

"You'll find out once you get Ashley. Throw 'em in! Oh, before I forget." Wesker goes over and busts the record player to smithereens. He then replaces it with a boombox and places a cassette inside. The song Save Me by Unwritten Law starts playing.

Team Birkin was then shoved into the cage to have to face the six Tyrants. Ashley was tied up and being dangled from the ceiling. Kevin, already having experience from the last round, began his imitation of a squirrel by climbing the side of the cage towards Ashley.

Everyone else let loose on the six Tyrants with everything they had. Claire launched her grenades, Leon fired his three-round shots, Mark ran up to the T-001 and started bashing it with his baby launcher, and Steve? Well wasting all your ammo on an El Gigante is a bitch.

So, Kevin had reached Ashley and was hanging upside down while untying her. Being the master of multi-tasking, he was also chatting merrily with her. "So, how's life in the White House?" he asked.

"Eh, so so."

"I hear you have Tivo."

Back to more interesting matters. Leon figured out a plan on how to get rid of one Tyrant after getting slashed in the leg. "Hey Kevin! Throw your pipe towards Steve!" Kevin threw it like an obedient little puppy, but...

"My foot! Ah, Leon you prick!"

"Soory about that. Just take the pipe and beat the back head of the one with long fingers."

"Okay. Prick."

Steve was then ducking and weaving in and out of the Tyrants massive arms, and making his way to the T-091. He got a nasty whack across the jaw by Mr. X. Hunk did a little grimace at this. Steve sprung back up and ran like a little girl the rest of the way.

Now it was him and the T-091. Steve started the fight by running right into it's hands and getting whipped horribly. As Claire loaded her last grenade round in the chamber she took careful aim at the beast. She fired hoping the shot would stun it long enough for Steve to kill it. Too bad grenade rounds arch.

"Ah, why me!" It got poor little Stevie pretty bad, but it also managed to knock the Tyrant on it's face right next to Mr. Burnside. After the misfire, Claire muttered a little "Oh shit," and started for him. She was better at dodging the giant's hands better than Steve, but with five on you, your gonna get nipped a little. The T-002 cut her arm a little as she made her way towards him.

When she got to him she held his hand in hers as he spoke.

"Claire, I have something to tell you. I'm not really Steve Burnside, I'm an actor."

"Yeah Steve, I know you look like Leonardo DiCaprio, but you have to save your strength."

"No, you don't understand, it was all a lie."

"I know, Alexia was really Alfred in disguise."

"Oh for the love of..." with his last breath, 'Steve' took the pipe and hit the T-091 over the head with it.

At this point, Kevin finished untying Ashley. Now he had to lower her down to the bottom of the cage without getting her ripped to shreds by the Tyrants.

Leon and Mark had to make sure a Tyrant didn't come up on Claire from behind and expand her belly button, so they too had to cross the gauntlet of tear your face off evil. Mark got through just fine, but Leon was too distracted looking at Ashley to see it coming. The powerful fist came flying right at him. He hit the floor hard as another Tyrant joined in on the beating. After the fifth hit, his body went limp. The last thing he could hear was Claire screaming before...

YOU DIED

Continue? Yes No

Yes

Leon came to right before he ran towards the gauntlet of tear your face off evil. He knew this wasn't going to work, so he took the longer way by going around the cage to the other side. Sure it takes longer, but at least he won't die. When he did reach Claire, Mark had just managed to knock down the T-078.

"Damn, how heavy is that thing?"

"About fifty pounds. Got to be able to launch those things a good distance."

Before the T-001 could come up to perform a little slashy-slashy Ashley fell down into Leon's arms. "Oh, hi Leon, didn't notice you there. Oh no, monsters." She clinged to Leon's unwilling body. Things looked bad. There were five Tyrants on them, all of them immune to conventional weapons. If only they had a rocket launcher.

It was then that Wesker came down on the monitor. "Guess what? Things are about to get interesting. Send him in!" The cage doors opened and in crawled, Lord Saddler!

"That's right Leon, this little bastard's here to ruin your day! And as an added bonus, I'm throwing in this punk who just won't die. Throw in the pain!" Down from the ceiling into the group of Tyrants came a man in about his twentys, with scuffed up clothes that look like he's been through the Arklay mansion one too many times. He doesn't have a shirt but a nice looking jacket and some camo pants. Remarkably, he lands on his feet.

The most extravagant feature though is his icy blue hair spiked up with enough hair gel to make Wesker proud. When he gets up, Jill nudges Seth in the ribs, "Friend of yours, gold-hair boy?"

Anywho, the T-001 and T-002 models decide to make his acquaintance by shoving there good sized claws up his...

But, he amazingly slips in-between their claws, and with shocking speed, grabs their external hearts and rips them off.

"Yay for the blue hair dude!" Leon yelled jubilantly. Now all they need to kill was Saddler. The Mr. X's weren't the boss, he was.

Just then, Kevin dropped down and escorted Ashley to the safety outside the ring. Now, as anyone with a brain would have done, once outside he started a hasty run for it. After his session in the water, he was a master at running from danger. Right before he left through the front door, even while the guards were shooting at him, he flipped Wesker the bird.

"Why that disgraceful little..." and so, a manhunt began.

Back in the cage, the stranger was interlocked in a fist fight with Mr. X, and winning! While he did that, Leon, Mark, and Claire had to deal with the Mutant Mr. X, T-003!

He runs, he slashes, and he comes free of trenchcoat! He was also kicking the team's ass! They were getting owned. The T-078 was coming their way too, so things looked dim. That is, until the Tyrant went past them and started chasing after the renegade survivor, Kevin.

Leon did a nice backflip away from a punch, while Mark locked his gun with it's claw. Claire went over to help the new guy out. She did this by doing what she realized was the most obvious thing to do. She ran right up to the beast, and kicked him in the crouch. It crumbled into a heaping pile of the materials which when composed form a Mr. X. Apparently, the raw materials used to make a Mr. X smell surprisingly like crap.

"Oh please, why those insipid monstrosities my have such obvious weak points, I have none, Ms. Redfield." Saddler then transformed into his monster form.

Leon used his previous experience with Saddler as incentive to try and kill him once more. "'I'm a big bad boss, nah nah nah nah nahh... I'm William Birkin, blah blah blah,' I hate you so much." Ducking under the legs of the Mutant Tyrant, he made his way over to the Claire and what's-his-face.

"Hey, what's your name, cuz this is getting old."

"It's, Shane."

"Yeah, Shane, I saw you kick ass back there, so, can you jump kick that eye on that leg?"

But alas, the giant four-legged spider, thing, stuck first. One of the legs whipped out and hit Shane in one of his legs, knocking him to the ground in pain.

"Okay, guess I'll have to waste a bullet." He took aim, and shot the bulging eye easily. Once Saddler was on the ground, Leon ran up his back and stabbed him in the the giant eye sticking out of is mouth. But, Saddler saw this coming, and when the knife struck, he bit down hard on it, swallowing it it his disgusting stomach.

"Well, there goes my plan, Claire, hand me your knife!"

"I left in the cage for my grenade launcher."

"Shit."

Things looked grim. Mark couldn't keep up with the T-003 forever, and they were out of weapons. Saddler's leg came down on Claire, pinning her to the ground.

It looked like she was going to die, when from the ceiling came...

"Use this!

"Ada! This... has happened... three... fucking... times!"

Surprised? A big boss, Leon about to die, Ada looked like she died...

In any case, Leon finished off Saddler and him, Claire, Mark, and Shane, ran their asses off getting out of the cage. Once inside the safety of the cage, Wesker came down on the monitor.

"How the hell! Did you survive?"

Ada appeared behind Wesker on the monitor, and said quite calmly, "Your not the only one who has one of those buttons."

She posed a gun on him from behind.

"You know what, Ada? Before I bitch slap you, let me tell them what they've won. Team Birkin, you've won yourself a box full of anti-virus. Now Ada," he turned around and broke Ada's gun with his gloved hands. "Open chest!" he then punched her hard in the chest, knocking her out.

"Hehe, well, see you next time, and hopefully, we'll have caught Kevin. Good nig... what do you want?"

Two thugs in pinstripe suits appeared next to Wesker. "It occurs to our boss that you didn't say your line today. Now, we can't have that now can we?" One of them then slammed Wesker's face into the desk. "What's your line?"

"What does a evil psycopath like to eat after a hard day of being a bastard? Why, why god why?"

"Say it right!" He slammed his head down again.

"Why Burger King of course!" The thug let him go to cry. And fade to black.

_Now, with Yu Yu Hakufan's blessing of course, wind waker41, you lying sack of crap! Lyokofan, did you see Ada raid his studio? StrangeWanderer for Shane. And dIvInE SeReNiTy for the Tyrant battle idea. Review please, and you'll get another good chapter! Later!_


	14. Summer of Awesome!

_It's been a while, but I still do it so: DrewCaine, Raitokage, Yu Yu Hakufan, Xmaster, Cpt.ShaneSchofield, Sarah The Hypered Up Jelly Bean, Refreak, XClaire BearX, XxMade in HeavenxX, and of course, Sara A. Wesker. Now, let us get down to business:_

As camera 2 comes into view, we see Wesker sitting down on his stool looking quite pleased with himself.

"Hello! It's been a while hasn't it? Well ever since Kevin escaped, we didn't have much to do so we all took a vacation. Because of that, everyone, even the survivors got to go out on the world with a credit card made out to the S company. Can we take out the slide projector?"

Someone comes in offscreen pushing and old slide projector. Before leaving, he says, "Get powerpoint you cheap bastard."

Wesker then turns on the slide projector and begins his commentary on the fun times during their "Summer of Awesome!"

"Yeah, before we got out to do anything fun, me and Chris had to settle things and that's when this was taken."

A picture of Wesker and Chris running across a cement ground whilst surrounded by flames comes up. Upon closer inspection, Wesker appears to have a swatsika on his shoulder.

"That was the greatest fight ever..." Wesker looks dreamly into the sky before coming back to reality.

"Next slide coming up... oh god! Dammit Leon!" The next slide is a picture of Leon is boxer shorts and... nothing else. Offscreen a laugh is heard, followed by Leon shouting, "Gotcha back for those pudding water balloons!"

"Whiney little... next slide!" The next slide shows Claire, Ada, and Ashley looming over someone. The someone also has their hand outstretched in pain.

"Leon gets all the ladys... next slide!" The next slide shows Chris holding a bloody knee while Seth stands with a magnum at the ready and Jill cooing over him.

"Shooting range, had tons of fun there. Next slide!" Someone runs up to Wesker and pistol whips him upside the head.

"Your the one controling it, stop yelling next slide!" The mystery person then spits on him and walks out.

The next slide appears on the screen. It shows Claire pouring a bottle of tequila over a grave.

"Guess that little fling with Leon can't change the past, eh?" The next slide appears. A paintball arena appears in shambles with several bodies on the ground.

"Second best day of the vacation. Oh, here's a shot of me in action!" The next shot shows Wesker flying through the air with two paintball guns with his back facing the ground.

"Action shot." The next screen shows Hunk, Jack, and newcomer Shane laying on their backs on top of a bus at night.

"I was inside the bus tied up." Wesker growls. Next slide comes up. It shows Ada using her grapple gun to spiderman it around New York.

"I was the Green Goblin. See," Wesker points to a corner of the slide where indeed, Wesker is on top of a hovercraft. "People kept calling me a UFO. Oh, this is the best day of the vacation."

The next shot shows the black outline of Wesker holding a square-like object. In the backround is a flaming building, but the sign, "BK HQ" can clearly be made out.

"Oh hell, not this slide..." Wesker buiries his head in his hands when the next slide comes up. It shows Wesker being pushed into the very bar he's in front of, with Dr. Savior looming his favorite tool right over his neck.

"Oh dear god... hey, how did you get here?" Some strange looking man walks in with a really, _really, _big gun aimed at Wesker. Wesker stumbles back a bit before stuttering out at him,

"You said the hunt didn't start till Tuesday!" He continues backing away.

The stranger says back to him, "No, I said TO-day! Now run little piggy! Run!" He then fires at Wesker while chasing after him. Before running off camera though, he turns to it and says the following.

"Sorry it took so long, and that this is a short chapter, but I just need to say... I'm still alive! Hahahaha!" He then fires more shots off before running offscreen.

_Hello once again. Review and complain, but this whole chapter is a prelude to what's to come! And they still haven't found Kevin. If you need a me fix, go check out S.T.A.R.S. Stunt doubles in my favorites. It's an alter ego of mine._


	15. The Stranger

_It's the only reason you review, it's the thanks for reviewing thing... I really need to give it a name. Oh well, I'll save that for the next chapter: Sarah The Most Random Insane Evil MUWAHAHAHAHA Author EVER__, dIvInE SeReNiTy, Sara A. Wesker, Black vs. White, XxMade in HeavenxX, Suicidal Sweety, Evil J, XClaire BearX, Evil J, darkwolfwarrior and REfreak. Now, onto the filler:_

Camera 2 comes in on our host, who seems to have his arm in a sling due to someone's inclination to hunt people. In any case, he's now watching a small Tv monitor for some reason and has neglected to notice that the cameras are filming. Luckily, our never-ending supply of stupid goons is here to bring him back to reality. And by never-ending supply of stupid goons, I mean the normal studio crew.

"Hey Wesker, the fans want a show so get off your fat ass and move it!" After the yelling, the crew member throws a slushie right at Wesker's face. Oh yeah, he's new.

Within seconds of the incident, Wesker raises his undbandaged arm (which he was hidng behind the counter) and points it offscreen. It should be noted that a P.R.L 412 is postioned on it as well, and it's also glowing.

"W-what's that?" the doomed studio member stutters.

"It's called a laser cannon, and it's going to fire in three... two..." the studio member runs like his life depended on it, and it does, out towards the studio parking lot, past the shopping center, over the hills and round the bends off to see the wizard.

"What an idiot. He doesn't even have a plaga in him," Wesker then points the laser to the side, where a Ganado appears out of nowhere, and blasts him to kingdom come.

"So, back to what to what matters, me. I got security monitors watching this place ever since the last few breakins. Seth, Shane, the hunter, the BK thugs, Dr. Salvador..." he looks up dreamily trying to figure out how many have actually broken in.

"Anyway, someone else is trying to get in, and I think it's fun to watch. So... uh... you," he points to a random crew member, "I want you to explain the new rules," he then turns back to the monitor where some unlucky guard gets a boot to the face.

The crew member stumbles out onto the previous set (the one with the desk) and begins reading off the papers he has.

"Today on the RE report, loss of teams? More like loss of testicles.

"We also have a new challenge round, which will occur randomly, much like my crabs.

"Coming up as well, an in-depth look into the hunt for Red Kev.

"Lastly, we'll provide continuous coverage on the progress of the crazy guy who just did a flying whirlwind kick!" The temp host appears to have been distracted by the footage of the kick ass hostile trying to break in.

"So, now that the survivors are now either in the cage, or the group holding cell, let's bring out todays fighters!" For the first time in what seems like chapters in the long book of cage match fun, the Price-is-Right tune begins to play once more.

"We're bringing out some good times! Today's list features Shane, Rebecca, Billy, and Krauser. Lets move people come on!" The group was escorted out of the large cage brought in to hold the now teamless survivors.

"Today's special requirement is... Damn it Wesker! This isn't aloud in the rules! You can't have a deathmatch yet!" The camera switched to camera 2, where Wesker stopped eating his popcorn, and turned towards the new host.

"First of all, I didn't approve of the special requirement, I just suggested it. And second... I'm watching this kick ass gunman, so leave me alone!" He threw his popcorn bag at the replacement host, then slid his chair (he got a rolling chair over the "Summer of Awesome!") over to a popcorn machine, and got a fresh bag.

"Bet you wish you had one of these, huh? Holy shit! Holy shit! The guy just ran on the wall!" He was then glued to the screen once more.

The camera switched to camera 1 once more, where the new host was gazing offscreen once more before switching back to his 'host' mode.

"The survivors have to fight today... two JJ's, the Bella sisters, Dr. Salvador, and..." he looked closely at the paper to make sure he read correctly, "...500 Crimson Heads. The special event will occur afterwards, so just survive and kill... sweet!" He was once again enamored by the Tv nearby. It didn't matter anymore what he said since all the necessary information was given, all the people in the cage had to fight.

The monsters entered the arena promptly, or as promptly as they could given their mass quantity. With all the Crimsons running around, the foes could barely move. JJ and his little bro, J, had to cut a path to the survivors with their machine guns, and the chainsaw Ganados formed a protective circle of death to work they way over.

When Wesker heard the sounds of chainsaws revving and machine gun fire, he looked over at the cage to see what was happening then turned back. Though he lifted a remote and hit a button turning on a brand new stereo system he must have gotten during the "Summer of Awesome!"

Back in the cage, the Shane looks up as the strangest music starts playing in the backround.

"Oh I love this song! It's my all time favorite, America, Fuck Yeah!"

"Thanks for informing us Billy," Krauser snaps back, and then kicks a Crimson's head in. Hmm... Crimson head...

The chainsaw troupe finally made it's way out, and was charging towards the survivors. Shane readied himself as did Krauser. Rebecca hid behind Billy and held him still like a human sheild. Though it all didn't matter once they got close with those chainsaws.

"Here they come!" Krauser took out his arm, but was too late. Well sort of. Those bags sure do make it hard to see, and all three chainsaw maniacs went running past each of them and into the cage walls, tearing them asunder.

The Crimson heads saw their chance and made a run for it towards the exit, though they planned on taking the group with them.

Rebecca screamed, slung Billy over her back like a backpack, and scaled the walls like Spiderman. Ada looked up from filing her nails and her eyes went wide.

"That's copyright infringment you little maggot!"

Meanwhile, Krauser lifted his arm up in front of him and said to himself, "I'm so awesome, hehe."

This however left Shane relatively defenseless. That is, until the monsters, which will now be refered to as cattle, stampeded very close to him. When they got too close for comfort, Shane lunged forward, and thrust-punched a good one-third of them into oblivion.

"Woah..." Krauser said as the rest of the cattle went around or over him.

Once all the cattle was outside of the arena, they all piled into a cargo elevator, and started down. The ride was relatively uneventful except for an instance where one farted, and another where one asked how was work.

Once they reached the bottom, they stormed out to face the only other person alive in the building. The one who made it past all the security systems, the Merchant.

"Hehehe, now that's a weapon!" he lifted his Infinite Launcher up at the horde of cattle and opened fire. A good amount of them exploded and others went sailing through the air.

The Merchant put the IRL on his back and reached into his coat pulling out two Chicago Typewriters.

"WELCOME!" He unloaded as he jumped from one pillar to the other, as this was the main lobby of the building. The fiends fell prey to the attack one after another. When he landed in the midst of the foes, he did a headspin knocking the cows near him away.

After making some room, he lept up in the air and pointed the IRL down at the cattle. "Not enough cash, stranger!" he fireed right into the center, sending all of them flying every which way. When the Merchant landed, the bodies were still falling making various thumping noises. He walked casually towards the elevator and hit the up button.

Meanwhile, back with the not-as-kickass-people, the Chainsawers and the J brothers had gotten their bearings and chased after the nearest survivors. The J brothers were firing on Rebecca and Billy, though Billy was screaming like a helpless little baby.

Sadly, Krauser used up the last of his arm juice on the cattle, so he just ran like a sissy girl from the Bella sisters.

Dr. Salvador decided to take on Shane. When he got close enough to give him a new throat, he swung. But mid-swing, Shane yelled, "Open crotch!" and got him in the nads. When he keeled over, Shane took the chainsaw and gave him a taste of his own medicine. Once his head was 'fixed', shane kicked it like a football.

Butterfly effect! The head lands right on one of the sister's chainsaw's right when it was about to cut up Krauser. Now he was just getting dirty, which really ticked him off.

"My bare chest! How dare you!" he grabbed the sister's now blunt chainsaw and beat her over the head with it. The fact that he beat her to death with it real scared some people.

"Well screw that, I'm not getting bludgened to death by a chainsaw," the other sister ran out after throwing her chainsaw on the ground. When she got to the elevator, she stopped and waited for it to come up.

When it did, the Merchant looked at her funny and she evaporated on the spot.

"Holy shit dude! I didn't know he could do that!" Leon yells out.

Wesker, now looking out the window and scared for his life, came down on the monitor and began screaming.

"New special requirement! Either kill or capture the Merchant! Hurry!"

The survivors looked at each other before yelling in unison, "Up yours Wesker!"

Wesker thought things through. The Merchant was coming to kill him, what could he do to stop him? Then it struck him.

"Hey Hunk! Stop the Merchant and I'll give you a cookie!"

"It's a deal!"

"Hunk! What are you doing?" several people yelled at Hunk for being a traitor. But Hunk didn't listen, he just walked up to the cage's bars, bent them so he could walk out, ("Your telling me he could have done that all along?") rebent them, then walked out to the Merchant.

"Not only will you need cash, but you'll need guts to buy that weapon," the Merchant exclaimed, clearly mocking Hunk at his own prowess.

When the Merchant reached into his coat to pull out an assorted weapon of mayhem, Hunk kicked him right in the nads without even changing his stance.

Two men immediately came by to take him away and clean him up for the cage.

"Good job Hunk, here's a cookie." A sprinkle coated cookie fell down from the roof onto Hunk's hand.

"Hey, don't we still need to kill those JJ's?" Becky asked as she jumped down from the roof. Billy seemed petrified with fright and didn't move a muscle.

"Oh yeah, wait, what are they doing?" The J brothers were marching in sequence away from each other. When they finally reached the end of the cage, they spun around and fired a single shot from their gun. One of them fell to the ground, while the other pumped his fist in the air.

The cheering stopped though as he went to check on his brother. When he couldn't fined a pulse, he looked sadden, and even started crying.

Shane went up to cheer him up. "Don't worry about it man, he's in a better place now."

The last J stared at him, tears in his eyes, then screamed out in a high pitched voice, "Oh what do you know you big meanie!" He then ran away his arms limping forward while he sobbed.

"Ookay... it'll take years of thearpy to etch away that memory. Thanks a lot! I just got over my last traumatic experience!" Billy seemed fine now.

After a while of doing nothing, and the cage being repaired, the survivors realized Wesker was still on the screen picking his nose.

"Oh crap! Yeah, just go back to your cage, you already got the prize," Wesker states.

"No we didn't you liar!" Krauser yells out at him, and spits at the monitor, but misses and hits Shane.

"Woah, major Deja Vu..." Krauser says.

The camera changes to camera 2. "Well, that's all we have for tonight! See you all next time on the Cage Match!" and fade to black...

_Thanks for reading, and thanks to Evil J for suggesting the Merchant, and Black vs. White for the 500 Crimson Heads along with the JJ's idea. Review, or I may not return..._


	16. The tall, the small, and the old

_It's the reviewer corner! Thanks to (hold onto your butts...): Raitokage, Black vs. White, darkwolfwarrior, Demented Guilt, Temporal Knight, XxMade in HeavenxX, EVIL J, darthjag, Suicidal Sweety, Xmaster, Sara A. Wesker, REfreak, XClaire BearX, Evil Fang, Comet Wong, T-B.O.W, Evil Fang, and Evil Fang for the last chapter too. Glad that's done with, now onto the stuff rich people use as toilet paper!_

Camera 2 comes into the studio onto Wesker, who is looking rather bored of late. "Welcome to the... if you've gotten this far you already know what's happening, so let me just tell you what's going to happen today," Wesker claps his hands causing a board to come down from the ceiling. On it is every survivor's mug shot, along with little lines and other crap no one really cares about.

"Today's special... blah blah blah... we're gonna have two fights at once!" Wesker blurts out, causing the soda guy to spill his drinks on the floor.

"Thanks a lot! Now the zombie dogs we were saving for the next round are going to have to wait because you decided it was feeding time!" Wesker yells pointing at him. Several burly men come and grab him by the shoulders, lifting him up and taking him away to become Doggy chow.

"So, back to business, today we're going to have two fights at once. Bring out your dead!" Several armed men enter the contestant's cage and bring out six people. Jill, Chris, The Merchant, Leon, Seth and Rebecca.

Once inside the cage, the monitor came down once more. "Okay, Chris and Jill, you two go over to that roped off area over there." Everyone turns to see that there's an area in the cage roped off with yellow tape and a contol panel on it.

Leon mutters aloud, "I've never seen that before..." Back in the cage, Ada takes a good look at the control panel and then lurches back in terror. "Regressed memories coming back..."

Wesker on the monitor looks at where Ada's acting strange, then shrugs. "Anywho, Chris, Jill, get your buns over there!" Chris and Jill do so obediently. Once there, Chris tries to resist his urge to press the big shiny red button on it, but fails miserably, causing the floor beneath them to lift up like a cargo elevator. Once they get to high enough in the cage, some metal catwalks come down from the ceiling so they have room to move around.

"Damn, almost forgot," Wesker says as he pushes a shiny blue button. The railings on the catwalks shine with the wonderful power of electricity. "Much better."

Down below, the cage doors open to reveal the survivers foes. Into the ring walk, quite smuggly I might add, Lord Osmund Saddler, Cheif Mendez, and Ramon Salazar. The audience treats their appearance by booing and throwing various portions of junk food at them.

Once in the middle of the arena, Saddler yells out to the entire viewing audience, "I'M BETTER THAN YOU!" and then he breaks out into maniacal laughter. Salazar does a little jig as well, and Mendez... well he takes his eye out and cleans it with a rag.

"Hey everybody! It's those bastards I was killing before!" Leon spurts out to everyone.

After an ackward silence, the side of the cage gets ripped a new one (again...) by the sudden appearance by Del Lago. Everyone nearby screams in terror, except for The Merchant and Hunk of course, as the monster starts screaming and thrashing about. Saddler clutches his heart and falls to the floor, while Rebecca jumps into Seth's arms Scooby Doo style.

After another ackward silence as the monster keeps beating around in it's position, the survivers realize something very important. "Wait, thats a fish out of water. Which means..." Seth runs up to the monster, dropping Rebecca in the process, and kicks it's side. All the monster can do is squel and mutter monster language explicitives at Seth.

Wesker still being in the monitor decides that now's a good time to explain the rules. "Okay, first the music," Wesker hits a switch on a remote control and Wonderboy by Tenacious D begins playing.

"Now, throughout this match Jill and Chris will be fighting each other in a deadly duel to the death! Should they stop or should they show mercy at any time, I will be forced to play this audio recording of a Chris/Leon yaoi Fanficti..." before he can finish his rant, Leon and Chris in equal tone and splender, scream out:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

After their rant is over, Chris not wanting to take any chances, immediately grabs Jill's head and shoves it into the electical handbars.

Leon on the ground, starts his little assault on the enemies so he can get out of this living hell as fast as possible. Rebecca however just sits back in a corner and waits. "This is gonna be good..."

Leon starts his attack by rushing at Mendez and trying to kick him in the chest. Mid-kick he realizes what he's doing and says, "Oh shit."

As though he does it everyday, Mendez grabs Leon's foot and launches him back onto the cold floor. "I'm bilingual," he says before marching towards Leon, grabbing his throat, and lifting him up.

Up above, Jill and Chris' deadly battle for survival is playing out to be one of the greatest fights known to man. Think of combining the knife fight scene Krauser and Leon had in Spain with over-the-top gunslinging action and electrical combination attacks and you have yourself a fight.

After sending an electrified ricochet shot into Jill's shoulder, she jumps back a little and says to Chris, "Why are you doing this? If you were secure in your sexuality we wouldn't have to fight!"

Chris responds by saying, "SHUT UP!" and flings his knife at her.

Down below again, Seth has moved on from poking Del Lago, who at this point has stopped moving, and therefore stopped the fun. Now he was on to poking Saddler's spazzing corpse.

"Who would've thought a surprise would kill him?" he said while poking him with his Typewriter. Salazar was behind him, kicking him and punching him. This is quite sad actually because Salazar can't do anything without his giant Las Plagas breeding ground thing.

The Merchant on the other hand actually decides to help. He runs up to Mendez and does a flying whirlwind kick to his face, knocking him down and thus saving Leon.

"Thanks bro," Leon stutters while sliding backwards on the floor away from Mendez.

"Over here, Stranger..." The Merchant says motioning to Leon's knife. Leon quickly throws it at him which The Merchant catches.

While Mendez slowly walks towards him, The Merchant preps himself up, then dashs past Mendez, stopping in an action pose. Mendez then falls to his knees in pain.

"What the hell just happened?" Wesker asks himself and goes to the taping of the show for an answer. Wesker puts it in a Betamax machine, then slows it down for a better look. On closer expection, The Merchant ran up to Mendez with his knife, ready to kill. But instead of using it, he kicked Mendez in the crotch and spat on his face.

"That explains everything..."

But Mendez doesn't die that easily. His coat falls off and he turns into Centipede Mendez! Fear his old-school 16-bit... I mean... fear his bear hug of doom!

The Merchant turns around and sees Mendez closing in for the kill. With a dive into his coat, he rips it open whilst shouting, "WELCOME!" and...

Break

* * *

A man in a military uniform appears in front of a flag bearing the Umbrella symbol with a giant "S" emblazoned in front of it. 

"We want you! To help with the search for Kevin Ryman!" The screen changes to a picture of Kevin in his undergarments holding a beer with a look on his face that says, "I'm having a hangover, leave me alone."

Next to it in fancy-smansy writing that looks really high-tech, comes his biographical information.

The same man from before steps in front of the images and says, "If you have any information regarding this man, please call, 1-800-WEWILLNOTKILLYOU. That's 1-800-WEWILLNOTKILLYOU. If you don't call, we will kill you," The backround fades away and the lights turn off so that you can only see the man's silhouette.

* * *

When the camera returns, we see Wesker on the ground moaning slightly. As he gets up, he looks around at the camera. "Okay good, we got the new camera. Sorry about that folks, but when The Merchant opened his cloak, all the glass in a five-mile radius just exploded and everyone got knocked out," Wesker looks out onto the cage and sees Salazar with a Chicago Typewriter up his buns, and Mendez laying on the ground in a stiff position. Rebecca however is smiling contently as she appears to be sleeping. 

Up on the catwalk, Chris, despite being unconcious, is slowly stabbing Jill in the foot. It appears that not even conciousness can keep that man from achieving his goals.

"Okay, I just need to get some drugs to wipe away some memories, so I'll just give you guys your prize right now so you can have it when you wake." Wesker then walks off the set and over Will, the lighting guy.

"Okay, I won't show her the picture of you and I hugging if you give me the laucher. Deal?" Will glady accepts the deal and gives Wesker his Linear Launcher. Wesker goes over to the window of the studio and chucks it into the cage.

"Okay, that's all for today. Toon in next time for another episode of the Cage Match!" Wesker than walks of set, rubbing his yellow, glowing, freaky ass eyes.

_YAY! Another chapter done! I just want to say thanks to Black vs. White, AKA, My most devoted fan for the enemies in today's match. As for the Linear Launcher, that goes to darkwolfwarrior. Ok, I'll take this time to say officially say that I'm still going to be working on this, just much more slowly. Don't ask me if I stopped working on this, I haven't, I'm just going slower than Chris Redfield in computer class. Anywho, review to be entered to win a prize! I also want to say that I'm sorry about your two friends moving away Suicidal Sweety. Later!_


	17. Chapter 17

_Ok, your anxious, so here's the thanks: SarahBearX, Comet Wong, Black vs. White, T-B.O.W. Evil Fang, REfreak, Temporal Knight, EVIL J, Silenius, XClaire BearX, under, Suicidal Sweety, dIvInE SeReNiTy, Gemini Priestess of Spirits, and of course, XxMade In HeavenxX._

_For Silenius: Tofu... maybe... Shane vs. Wesker... perhaps... riddles and lies!_

Camera 2 comes in on the studio to see Wesker popping some pills into his mouth, then rubbing his throat. "Easy does it, easy does it..." he says quietly to himself, but not quiet enough for the mike not to catch him. After a few seconds of this, a crew member steps up to him and says something to him. He's not important so he doesn't have a mike, therefore, we can't hear him. After he says his thing, Wesker says, "Another one? Damn, well bring him in..."

One of the cage guards comes in holding onto a struggling Barry Burton. "You'll never get away with this Wesker! I'll save my friends and you'll pay!" he spits out.

"Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, through him in the Nyx." A cage gets pushed into camera view showing a struggling Nyx weilding several people. On the bottom of the cage is written, "Wesker's cannon fodder." Inside the cage is a large group of people. Rita, Marvin, a tyrant, some Merchant looking dude, Sherry, zombie number 5 from the mansion incident, PeeWee Herman, a block of bean curd...

The guard promptly tosses Barry over the top and into the caged Nyx. "That should keep the damn thing busy for another hour or so," Wesker says to the guard. The guard then says something, she's not important either, and Wesker has the guard chucked into the Nyx as well.

Meanwhile, down in the cages...

"So Claire, wanna see me do a backflip?" Leon askes getting near her. Before she can answer, Wesker comes down on the monitor.

"We're gonna totally fuck you up this time. So the contestants are Claire, Bruce, Alice, and Mark." The survivors get out into the cage. When the door closes, Wesker tells them, "Your gonna face ten zombie dogs, and U3! Also, if you don't use your weapons, you get to hit the Nyx next time for a new survivor! Music!" The sad music from Titanic starts playing as the monsters run in.

The survivors had already lost their weapons a while back, and Alice ate her piece of cheese, so they got into assorted combat positions. Crane stance, bring-it stance, boxing stance, and humping Claire's leg stance.

"Oh Mark, I didn't know you cared," she says trying to shake him off.

The doggies run forward at the group while U3 trys to move his fat ass towards them. One of the zombies doggies goes to jump Alice, but she kicks it in the side, sending it into the wall. She then runs up to the dog and screams in it's face, "Oh my gawd! You just got pwned! El-o-el sucka! EL-O-EL! Pwnt!" Who knew she was into the internet slang?

One of the dogs jumps onto Claire and knocks her to the ground, trying to rip her throat out. Mark, who was clinging to his leg, leaps up and takes a bite out of the dog.

Bruce not having any "1337 skillz lol" in terms of fighting zombie dogs, decides to fight the U3. By fight, I mean he runs up to it, gets whippid in the leg by it's tenticle arm, and flees in terror while it follows.

A dog jumps behind Alice while she's making fun of the dead dog. She picks the dog off her back and slams it onto the other dog, then gets an idea. 3 minutes and some MacGyver music later...

"Double-u tee eff? Hax!" one of the dogs yells as Alice smotes another dog with her patented "Doggie num-cucks."

Mark threw the bones of the dog onto the ground as he picked some flesh from his teeth. Claire backed away from him on the ground and came up to the wall of the cage.

"Stay away from me you zombie dog eating freak!" she said as one of them tried to jump him, but got a stomach full of teeth instead. By that I mean Mark bit him.

"Always did like fast food," he says as he chases it after the dog jumps away.

Bruce on the other hand is getting royally screwed by U3. The monster grabbed him by the throat and lifted him off the ground into the air. Thinking quickly, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out...

"A dooby? Well, when in Rome..." With that he chucked the container of various illegal substances at the creature's mouth. Whatever was in there must have done something to the beast's insides because in seconds it was collapsed on the ground.

"I am so badass..." Bruce said slicking back his hair. It looked like all the other creatures were dead. "Scratch that, I'm Wesker level badass..." At that, Wesker came down on the monitor, and I mean down. The monitor smashed Bruce to the floor.

"Little bastard... so you've one. Whoopty friggin doo... So next round you'll hit the Nyx for a new contestant. Goodbye!" The monitor went up, then down again, then up, then down. Poor, poor Bruce...

Meanwhile, in the the team's cage. "Damn little bugger had to stab me..." Jill kicks Chris' unconcious, wrigling, and twitching body. He's like a dying fly with no wings... except hes not dying, he never had wings, and a fly's smarter than him.

Back with Wesker, we see him bobbing his head back in forth to the song, "What is love?" When he realizes what he's done, he throws the stool he was sitting on at the camera.

_Alright, I'm still alive! Now, lets see whos going to get slammed out of the Nyx... review too, because they're all I've got! Please! Uh uh uh, you didn't say the magic word. I hate this hacker crap. Anywho, you know ze drill, later!  
_


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